0030.

"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from You."
Psalm 16:1-2


I remember stumbling up the grey cement steps that day. I took them slowly, placing both feet on one before moving to the next. Someone, a big someone, brushed past me in a frenzy, knocking me down to my knees on account of my already unstable legs. The impact of some loose gravel stung in my right palm. I winced, and fought back unnecessary tears. I wanted to turn around and go home. No, I wanted to curl up in a ball and have no one notice me. Seeing as that was unlikely, I put my weight on my left hand and managed to stand, brushing off my dress. My worn book laid spread out on the step.
I sighed and bent to pick it up. My safe haven. I'd read it several times, but I brought it with me to hide my face behind during lunch.
I took a deep breath and braved the last two steps. I peered around my shoulder at the surrounding crowd of teenagers. None of them looked friendly. I stood out, obviously. None of them were wearing dresses. I knew that would happen. My russet skin and long, dark, silky hair gave me away. Wisconsin? Really?
When I found out I was going to get to go to the States for a semester, I was thinking New York. Los Angeles. Chicago. Somewhere exciting! Not a small town, filled with blue-eyed judgement.

Turning back around, I peered up at the purple lettering on the face of the building. Trinity Christian Academy. I let out breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Christian. These people were Christians. That wasn't something I was used to, but I'd always known He was real. Maybe it won't be so bad.

I shuffled into the building through double glass doors. Immediately my head started spinning. It was as if I had stepped into an arena filled with 20,000 people. The level of noise with the combined laughing, talking, yelling across the hall...it was almost deafening. I spun around 180 degrees. Then back again. Where was I going again? Biological...something...I needed to work on my English.

"Hi! Can I help you find something?"
I turned my head to the right to see a perky blonde, blue eyed girl donning a t-shirt detailing something resembling a Coca-Cola logo. I squinted and recognized the English "Christ" in there somewhere. I chuckled on the inside a little bit.
"Um..." I managed to mutter. Her enthusiasm was hard to ignore. I tried to translate in my head.
"I am...looking...for this?" I showed her my schedule, pointing at the first class. This language-barrier thing is no joke.

"Sure!" she exclaimed. "I'm going there too!"
Just as I was attempting to inwardly translate, she yanked my arm and I was moving along with the current of people in the hallway.
We got to Biological...something-or-other right as an obnoxious bell sounded across campus. The silence was now deafening. That would take some getting used to.
People stared at me. That was to be expected, I guess. Judging from my experience on the steps earlier. Their eyes were piercing, actually. I wondered what I did to deserve such treatment.
Even perky girl smiled and turned to her friend, brown-haired perky girl and whispered. I rolled my eyes. This is why I don't claim to be a "Christian." Who wants that kind of hypocrisy hanging over your head?

I didn't really understand anything the teacher said for the following 47 minutes, so I started rummaging through the desk I sat in. I found a chewed-on pencil. Some wadded up paper. 3 coins--who knows what they were worth. Exchange rate and all. But something caught my eye.
It was a small, and purple. A business card, or something. I slid it out from under a couple wads of paper and tried to read it. "Preserve." Okay. Preserve. The first word is preserve. What did that mean again? Ugh.
Then, underneath, I noticed a translation. Spanish! Yes!
"Preserve me, O God, for in You I take refuge. I say to the Lord, You are my God. I have no good apart from you."

Whoa. Whoever left that there was seriously into the religion thing. Oh right--"Christian" school. Hm. But something about it made me think. Preserve me. PRESERVE me. Maybe it was more than the t-shirt wearing perk. I didn't need t-shirts or perk. The statement had such weight. NO good apart from God? Really? Huh. I think I'll look into this.

0029.

A story.


Shouts of diluted "praise" filled the room while a man in a tailored suit shone his pearly whites at the crowd, spurring them on with "Amen! Yes! Amen!" He didn't hear that. As soon as he creaked open the door in the back of the daunting room, he was overwhelmed by the hundreds of desperate souls attempting to scrape up and store a little "joy" out of these 56 minutes to last them the rest of the week. His ears shut it all out. The silence in his head was almost deafening as he slowly walked down the aisle. No one broke from their yelps of "Amen" (to every empty promise the well-dressed smile turned out) to look at his clearly troubled face as he trudged by them. His heart gradually started to beat faster. The smiles on the faces of the middle-aged attendees seemed to mock his twenty-something soul. His trudge suddenly turned into a purposeful march of sorts. He was approaching the 4 steps leading up to the blue carpeted stage upon which the shiny man was proclaiming.
"You can do anything with this Book! God does not want you to suffer! Read this Book; you will succeed!"

His wobbling legs began ascending the steps. One. Two. Three. Four.

"You can live a successful li--" The shiny man stopped.

He looked at Shiny Man with a piercing stare. He turned to the crowd and cried out,
"THIS is not real!!
PAIN is real!!
My pain is real!
Where is God in PAIN?"

He collapsed to the blue carpet in sobs.
Shiny Man's polished face faded into a shade of red.
The yelps of "Amen!" were nowhere to be found.

0029.

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read the player's blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you've posted your answer.

What were you doing 5 years ago?

1. about a school-year into my 3-year-long fixation on the same boy...& about to get my heart broken
2. rooting for Clay Aiken on American Idol
3. still on swim team
4. apparently winning the math award for my grade, says my journal
5. embarking on my quest to not conform. haha. also growing my bangs out.


What are 5 things on your to-do list today?

1. sleep in
2. clean my bathroom
3. do something fun
4. enjoy not working
5. watch jon & kate plus 8

What are 5 snacks you enjoy?

1.peanut butter ritz bits
2. fuji apples
3. mountain trail mix from walmart
4. chocolate
5. cheez its

What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?

1. keep enough to be financially independent
2. maybe visit europe
3. and then i'd have to just give the rest to like, sudan or the villages outside of Lima...it would make me feel sick if i knew i had that much money and they have nothing
4.
5.

What are 5 of your bad habits?

1. not putting clothes away for a couple days
2. forgetting
3. not seizing the day
4. procrastinating to the max
5. forgetting to read my bible and doing these lame surveys instead (that for some reason entertain me so much)

What are 5 jobs you have had?

1. Waiter at the country club
2. lifeguard at the country club
3. beaman slc on campus
4. camp glisson counselor
5. babysitting

What are 5 places you have lived?

1. Woodstock, NB, Canada
2. Lanett, AL
3. if camp counts, Dahlonega, GA
4. Nashville, TN
5. that's it.

What 5 people do you want to tag?

um, i can't think of anyone else who reads my blog.
carlin or noelle? if they read it?