Fragment Ideas and Too Many Prounouns.

NEW blog URL!

2011-05-20T10:01:00.002-05:00

I realized my blogger/google profile links to this page when I comment on other people's blogger blogs. So if you're reading this, head on over to my current blog here! (laurakmcclellan.tumblr.com) Enjoy!

0076.

2010-01-15T16:12:00.003-06:00

This is Sean McConnell.

I love him.

Why, you ask?

Because his songs tell beautiful stories. Because his voice is unmatched by anyone I’ve ever seen perform live. Because he tells the truth in his music. And because his songs are great musically, as far as melodies, chord progressions, and head bobbing goes.

He’s one of those singers that makes you want to yell out “you BETTA sing!” or “Mmm!” after every other line.

He can quiet a bar venue with just his voice and an acoustic guitar. But don’t get him wrong, he definitely pumps out some “lyric-based roots rock,” as he calls it.

Please go visit his myspace at http://www.myspace.com/seanmcconnell and buy his latest EP, The Walkaround EP.

He’s working on another album right now which I am super excited about because he will finally record the song I filmed on Wednesday night, which you (hopefully) watched above, among other songs we’ve been waiting for recordings of. :)

0075.

2010-01-12T13:53:00.006-06:00

So, tomorrow is my LAST First-Day-Of-School ever.

Here are three things I'd rather do than go to school tomorrow:

1. Clean out my closet.
2. Spend 1 hour with Spencer Pratt. (okay, maybe 20 minutes.)
3. Go back to high school anatomy where things like this happened:

Oh, high school...

0074.

2010-01-10T01:00:00.003-06:00

There are few things that make my mouth happier than s'mores.

Because my lovely parents got me a firepit for Christmas I was able to test it out tonight with a few friends, and it was so fun. It will be more fun once it's like...y'know...40 degrees instead of 19...but what are you gonna do when the weather forgets we live in Tennessee and flurries for a day & a half?

We also tested out The Game of Things. We found out that some of us are a little racist, and most of us were inappropriate, but it was fun.

note: the object of the game is to write outrageous things while deceiving others so they are unaware of which response was actually yours. so the racism was not genuine. just to set the record straight, here. can't have any rumors floating around in cyberspace...

I also learned that a tree that grows baby T-Rexes would be more frightening in real life than it sounds.

Being back in Nashville is nice. Not quite ready to start classes on Wednesday...blah. That means I have to get kicked to the curb in about 5 months, and I am not okay with that.

I mean, really, I don't want to stay in school any longer, but I don't want to get a job either. Can't I just sleep through the next couple years and then pick up where I left off?

This post is just a stream of consciousness, which is totally not in keeping with my "Three Things" trend...Sorry. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow and will be more interesting.

EDIT: It is currently 13 degrees with a wind chill (aka "feels like") of THREE DEGREES. really??

0073.

2010-01-07T15:54:00.002-06:00

My creativity comes in waves. Maybe sometime soon I'll create something again that I'm proud of on this blog like this.

0072.

2010-01-07T13:41:00.002-06:00

Proof that pop music in 2010 will not be nearly as good as 2009:

Please prove me wrong, music industry!

0071.

2010-01-06T11:21:00.005-06:00

I gave my blog a makeover. I think it's not quite done yet, but I like the layout and theme a lot.

In keeping with my "Three Things" theme, which will continue indefinitely, I've decided to name three things I liked about 2009 and three things that will hopefully happen in 2010.

Three Things I Liked About 2009.

1. Pop music.
I feel like the caliber of pop music was much higher in 2009 than it has been in previous years, especially the early 00's. Or maybe my standards have just been lowered. But seriously, you can't tell me THIS isn't awesome.
I mean, let's face it. Everything Beyonce and/or Timbaland touches turns to gold. Lady Gaga decided to see how much nonsense she could throw at us before we would revolt [answer: limitless], all the while serenading us with catchy tunes at a flaming piano. Party in the USA set up camp in your head for weeks on end. And that-dude-who-sings-that-"Down"-song [I finally learned his name is in fact Jay Sean] was being played constantly on the radio. Yes, 2009 was a year for pop music greatness.

2. The return of Michael Jackson's greatness

I admit it, I too thought of Michael Jackson as a freak. It's not our fault, though. We missed out on all the good times. We came in at the beginning of the end--the 90's. Okay, he made some good music back when he was black, but essentially all we knew about him was that he used to be black and now looked like a cross between a monkey and a skeleton, he may or may not have harmed small children, and he dangled his child whom he lovingly named "Blanket" over a balcony.

But after his death (which was on my birthday, no less), all the freakdom fell away and we were left with just his talent. Yes, it was over publicized and he was NOT God, although Madonna may beg to differ, he was a talented musician and we were finally able to appreciate that without all the chaos seemed to follow him everywhere.

"This Is It" was a great outlet for that. We got to see him be a real person. Critiquing his band, cracking jokes, singing. It was interesting and really fun to see him be a normal person. And hear all the great songs he performed.

3. The sudden nation-wide interest in a cappella music and show choirs

A) Glee. B) The Sing-Off. Enough said. Under-appreciated genre that is now rising to the top. It will inevitably fade out as a fad, but for now, I'm enjoying it.

Three Things I Hope Happen in 2010

1. I get a job.
2. Nick Jonas sticks with his solo career.
3. I learn to play my mandolin well.

0070.

2009-12-29T12:01:00.004-06:00

Three Things, Christmas Edition.

Since I totally failed at writing a timely Christmassy blog, I will do it now.

I was going to add my New Years Edition as well, but after finishing the Christmas portion, I figured you will have had enough out of me for one day. So here it is.

Three Things I Loved About Christmas (And One I Did Not.)

1. CIT* Reunion Party.

I don't know what it was about those three weeks in 2006 that linked us together, but I will always have a special place in my heart for that group of people. And even though it wasn't quite the same as our 2006 Christmas reunion, it was good for my heart and I loved every minute of it. I miss Sarah's outrageous rants and apparently ninja-like fashion, the word "shladies" which was so lovingly brought back from obscurity by Michael Gold, and reliving our camp experiences one by one. Everyone has their individual quirks, and it's awesome.
Okay. Sorry about that for those who have no idea who those people are.

*CIT- Counselor In Training*

2. The Return of Guitar Hero.

I fancy myself a pretty mean shredder on guitar hero, but my brother took his XBox back from me after he moved into his apartment, so I was left guitar hero-less this semester while my skills waned daily.
But with the release of Guitar Hero 5 and Band Hero, which was my brother's girlfriend's Christmas present, the color coded frets returned to my life and I was able to rock out again. And by that I mean stare at the tv looking concerned, because if I rock out too hard, I start missing notes.

3. Mandolin.

My loving boyfriend got me a mandolin for Christmas, which may seem random to you, but I always contend that the sound of a mandolin can instantly make you feel better about life.
So right now I can play about 6 chords (knowing how to play guitar helps) and the intro to the REM classic, "Losing My Religion," which features a mandolin.

So...there's that.

Oh, and the One Thing I Didn't:

1. Helen and Ferris collectively ruining Christmas.

Who are Helen and Ferris, you ask? Only the two people responsible for us NOT hearing annually-worse a cappella rendition of O Come O Come Emmanuel sung by Helen, our music director, at my family's church's Christmas Eve Service. Now, this song usually opens the service and we look forward to it every year. Not for its sonic appeal, but for the sake of tradition...and because it's usually pretty bad.
This year, even though it was listed in the program, Ferris (our pastor--also a woman--I can't make this stuff up) marched herself up to the pulpit and just started welcomin' away without giving Helen a chance to sing.
Now, Helen, appearing to have forgotten her starring role, sat herself down in the choir loft, oblivious to the fact that there are fans in the audience whose Christmas joy hinges on her very solo [read: us].

...And Christmas was ruined.
After a song or two, a flustered Helen mentioned that she "forgot" to sing O Come O Come Emmanuel. But did she rectify the situation? No. She simply continued with the hymn and ignored her Christmas duty to society.

So there you have it, folks. My Christmassy Blog.

0069.

2009-12-23T11:41:00.005-06:00

Three Things I Learned From My High School English Teacher, Mr. Freeman:

1. Paper Length: "Like a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting."

I like this guideline, and I think more college professors would do well to fall in line. Page requirements are silly and lead to a lot of B.S. on the last page or so, and who needs that?

2. The Proper Working Definition of an Allegory: "A tale in verse or prose in which the characters, actions, settings, or events represent abstract ideas or moral qualities."

I don't know how this will help me in life. But it fits the category. Maybe one day I will be on the sidelines of a fierce sword fight filled with witty banter [see: The Princess Bride], and one will challenge the other: I will spare your life if you answer me this--what is the proper working definition of an allegory? And I will feel it coming--my moment. As the man blocks a hit from the incoming sword and fights to push it away, he exclaims in anguish, "DOES ANYONE KNOW THE PROPER WORKING DEFINITION OF AN ALLEGORY?"
And I, calm and confident, will step forward as everyone stares & gasps and say, "I do, dear sir. I do."

Or maybe it will just never help me in life.

3. Denim dockers are not the same as jeans.

One day, as a result of one of our classmates unknowingly falling into a trap of colleague vs. colleague, he pointed out, in jest, that Mr. Freeman was wearing "jeans," which, at ole' Springwood, was a no-no. This was all in good fun until three weeks later when we got a 5 page paper detailing what the word "jeans" entails, and that Denim Dockers were no such item. We had never been so afraid in our lives.

So there you have it. One more installment of "Three Things..."

Maybe I'll do a Christmassy one next. I like this. It gives me focus. :)

0068.

2009-12-21T15:16:00.003-06:00

Chreeees-masss. [yay.]

Day 4 in the Valley.

Haven't actually found myself to be bored yet...so that's a plus.

Hm. I need an idea to get my blog started again. Maybe I'll start a little series. It'll be called "3 Things..."

Today's episode will be 3 Things I Fought to Resist but Caved in the End:

1. Twitter.

Yes, I was one of those people who fought with every fiber of her being to resist the Twitter craze. It didn't help that my boyfriend had it and used it constantly. I didn't see the point and didn't have anything to say, which is probably the argument most people without Twitter make. However, the more Craig was like, "hey--Dave Barnes was like, [insert funny thing here]" or "Look at what John Mayer just said..." I realized I, too, wanted to enjoy reading celebrities' witty remarks and see pictures from their everyday life. So I caved, and the rest is history. I would like to say that I am more of a reader than a poster. I don't have anything hilarious or thought-provoking to say, but hey, now I know when Derek Webb would like a remote control that looks like a wand or when Phil Wickham has left two tickets at the box office under the names "Princess Leia" and "Obi Wan."

2. A Northface Fleece Jacket.

Every girl in my high school had one in varying colors. I didn't want to be part of the trend, of course, so I resisted. But then I realized I needed a lightweight jacket that was acceptable to wear with almost everything, so my sophomore year in college, I caved. I still wear it all the time, so I guess it was a good investment. And half the student body at Belmont are too trendy for North Face anyway, so I didn't feel so bad.

3. The Jonas Brothers

Okay, they may not be the most talented group of brothers to ever break into mainstream music [see: Hanson], but when "Burnin' Up" hit the top of the charts, I had to own that song. It's quite possibly one of the catchiest songs ever written, not to mention well produced. Not that they produce their own albums, but they've got Disney backing them so they can get the best producers in the business. But I digress.
After "Burnin' Up" came their 4th album, "Lines, Vines, and Trying Times." This album converted me. No, the album is not filled with musical genius, but it IS filled with an opening track that makes the part of your heart designated for pop goodness explode ["World War 3"] and 12 more delightful tunes, many of them surprisingly featuring a horn section that adds a lot.

Anyways...

There are three things I fought to resist but couldn't. Stay tuned for more "3 Things.." episodes.

0067.

2009-12-13T19:05:00.004-06:00

I feel like creating but I am instead forced to study.

I think my next post will be a story. I haven't blogged in a while. I'm losing touch with my blog, I guess. But don't worry, I still keep regular journals so that when my time comes they can be compiled as an autobiography. Spoiler Alert: the high school years will be the most intriguing.

Apparently I am good at this writing thing. I mean, I always kind of thought I was, but it's nice to actually put it to good use and have someone appreciate it. I should have changed my major a long time ago.

So after tomorrow I only have one semester left in college.

I feel like four years of high school went by a lot slower. But then again, I was a teenager oppressed by her parents, attending a nuthouse of a school, and pining for a boy, so everything was more dramatic. :-)

Freshman year feels so far away. It's almost like I dreamed it. It was just one awkward encounter after another in a new city that didn't feel like home. But I made a small handful of friends--and I do mean small--and I'm so glad they've stayed in my life.

I still miss high school sometimes, but I'm happy where I am.

Semester Recap:
-went to my first Preds game
-wrote my first press release
-got a story published in Belmont's newspaper which may not be the best publication in circulation but i'm still proud
-have the best roommates ever
-learned a LOT about relationships
-I don't hate my classes nearly as much because I'm actually doing something I'm good at/don't hate
-walked a mile barefoot with Hanson
-got baptized
-learned to appreciate Lady GaGa
-got a paid internship for next semester

over all, i'd say it was a win.

0066.

2009-11-17T15:04:00.004-06:00

Watched a movie in my Media Ethics class today, which, by the way, is the most pointless waste of time, filled with girls' half-baked arguments about why one person shouldn't be helped if everyone can't be helped...

..but I digress.

The video was about advertising and how the leading advertisers try to tap into our inner desire to be a part of something. Anything, really. It was interesting because they researched what makes people want to join cults, and applied that to advertising.

One of the main points was fulfilling needs--unconscious and conscious. Community was one of them.

It just made me think about our humanity and how we all long for the same things. And there is a reason for that. I loosely paraphrase CS Lewis in saying that for every desire there is something to fill it, and if we find in ourselves a desire which we cannot fill on earth, our only conclusion can be that we are made for another world.

It's humbling and makes me feel connected to the rest of the world, in a way, to remember that we all long for community--to be known and loved. To feel included. It gives me hope that there is a way to reach people who are extremely different from you--common ground.

Of course as Christians we know this. We are created to be in community. Hence, Eve. I mean, let's face it. No one likes being alone. At least not for more than a couple days.

We reflect our Creator who already lives in community via the Trinity.

It's just interesting and a little disheartening to know we're all searching for the same thing and some people will never find it because they are looking in the wrong places.

It's a little cliche, but I guess that's because it's true. The "God-shaped-hole" you learn about in 7th grade Sunday school holds true--even if it does turn into Christianeze.

So the point of the movie was that products become a sense of identity--Mac users, Coke drinkers, TOMS and Chaco wearers, Hummer drivers (although really, who wants to be THAT guy?)--you name it.

It made me think. I do identify myself with things I use/drink/wear.

Why does that junk matter? Sometimes I realize that I am ridiculous.

...And then forget it the next day.

[This post didn't really become what I wanted it to be. It's a little more scattered than I intended, but I'm listening to John Mayer's new album simultaneously so I'm kind of just writing what I'm thinking.]

The End.

0065.

2009-11-10T20:19:00.002-06:00

As I sit and stare at my computer screen, listening to the squeals of the insane So You Think You Can Dance? judge, who for Lord knows what reason finds it acceptable to burst ear drums at her every whim, I try to think of something to write.

Anything.

I'd like to do some creative writing, but I've gotten that sucked out of me by a journalism class.

That's lame. I thought I was pretty decent at that. Hopefully I'll rediscover that next semester. Or maybe not.

Then I'd like to write some passion-filled rant about something that really grinds my gears, but I've got nothing.

What can I say? Life is good.

I mean, I graduate in May with a degree in a field of which I am currently in my first semester, but y'know..besides that. Seriously. Why couldn't I just figure out that I hate Music Business after my first year like everybody else?

Sigh. Maybe I should just make a list again.

Well, here are some conclusions I've recently come to about myself:

-I gossip. ...Right? Who knew? It's got to stop.
-I will forever be a creature of habit, meaning I will forever have to give myself 3 separate reminders when I have to do something out of the ordinary the next day.
-Maybe I should stop trying to make things last longer and clinging to past experiences in an effort to preserve them and just accept that life moves on, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
-I've become more materialistic since I came to college. Darn you, Belmont hipsters!
-I really like scarves. I can wear them with t-shirts and look like I actually tried.
-I seriously cannot watch any more R-Rated movies. I just can't. There are either naked people, torture, or gore in them. My Disney-filled brain and active imagination can't handle it.

Well, there you have it, folks. Blog post number 1 since september. I hope it wasn't a disappointment. Maybe something will make me angry tomorrow and you'll get a more intelligent post.

0064.

2009-09-08T19:25:00.003-05:00

This morning my Intro to PR teacher said, while admitting that he'd grown up in a different era,

"When I was growing up, when the President spoke, you listened."

It would be an exciting thing to hear what he had to say or get the chance to meet him. I mean, he was THE President.

I think most people would agree that element of respect and reverence for the leader of one's [our] country has diminished greatly. At least among those who do not agree with the leader's policies. We concurred in our class that perhaps that decline was set in motion during the Clinton term, mostly due to the scandals he was involved in.

It makes my heart a little sad that that sort of general admiration and attitude of respect towards the President has been lost.

Anyways, I read the speech President Obama made today for the school kids. I thought it was awesome. I think there's something special about the President of our country taking the time to address just the students. I mean, when was the last time our President spoke directly to you and your peers? I think it would be really cool to feel included in that group. I think the fact that he took the time to do that was great. And I think the speech was actually rather moving.

It made me sad, once again, that people who do not share his opinions on issues almost automatically expected the worst from our President. But if he had spoken these words to me, I would've felt a little inspired. :) Let's face it, he's got that whole public speaking thing down.

Click here if you're interested in reading the transcript.

0063.

2009-09-06T00:02:00.004-05:00

I haven't blogged in over a month, and I'm struggling to find something good to blog about. So I'll just give an update.

This summer was very much a summer of transition. I'm trying to be better at embracing change...

First of all, i changed my major at the end of last semester, so the summer was filled with a series of bad experiences with community college classes on my way to beginning my new major at Belmont in the fall. "Physical Science" at Nashville State apparently means "basic physics including an inconvenient and unnecessary shift halfway through the semester in which your teacher, whose phd i can only assume is fabricated, decides to simply 'remove' any and all math from the course." It was basically the most frustrating joke of a class in which one cannot win without simply accepting his ridiculous justifications of his teaching style. If you could call it that. Not to mention the hoodlums (i use this word because i feel it is accurate and a necessary description) who only care about automotive technology and think that enrolling in a class that takes place from 1pm til about 3pm means "attend at any point during these two hours for the duration of your choice, and whatever you do, make sure everyone is aware of your presence at any given moment."

Anyways. I also took Biology online, which was a huge mistake.

Then Belmont took away our bottled water.

I got to see some of my best friends from home a few times, including a visit to Tuscaloosa which was so much fun!

I was also finally baptized. It went by really fast, so basically I remember standing backstage, wondering where our young adult minister, Ray, had vanished to, because he was the one dunking me. I remember stepping into the baptismal which, p.s., is totally just a metal trough that they try to pass off as fancy by strategically placing a wooden frame in front of it. The water was surprisingly warm. I recited the shpiel (i don't know if that is an actual word or not) i had memorized about why i wanted to be baptized. Because, let's face it, I am no public speaker and I am not about to get up there and start rambling and/or forget to say anything relevant at all. Then I was wet and it was over. But I am so glad I did it. I feel like this is something God wanted me to do, and I finally got up the courage to not care about the fact that I am 21 and not 8, like most kids that get baptized at Fellowship.

Then Beaman owned about a week of my life. But I really do like it there. New Grad Assistants. Transition again.

I'm washing my hands a lot so I don't get swine flu. Mostly because I will do whatever it takes to avoid throwing up.
Also, whose idea was it to name it swine flu? Maybe something that sounds a lot less like a death sentence and/or plague. Like "piglet flu." Awww.

I am starting PR at belmont. It's a little weird being around different types of people (99% girls, 50% blonde) and having classes in a different building, but I'm liking it so far. It will push me out of my comfort zone but once again, let's face it, I need that. I'm rather attached to my comfort zone.

This week I have to call my teacher's friends, family, and former coworkers in order to question them about her personality and life so that I can write a fake obituary about her.

Let the awkward ensue.

0062.

2009-07-30T18:42:00.006-05:00

-Tidbits-

1. "Break Even" A song that Dave Barnes tweeted about. I actually thought it was catchy & well-written. And I didn't care for their first single. Click the link to see the YouTube video.

2. I read John recently, and a couple things stood out to me that hadn't before.
-Jesus prayed for us. [John 17:6-26} As in, Jesus talked to God on our behalf. Asking Him to take care of us. It was really humbling and brought a new level of humanity to Jesus for me. I love that. He's not just some all-powerful being bestowing things upon us. He prayed for us just like we pray for others. Except this is the King of Kings speaking. Hm.

-The last verse in John, via the ESV:

"Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written."- John 21:25.

Wow. Beautiful, yet once again humanizing. I love when you can relate to the author of the book just by the nature in which they wrote. Like he's actually just having a conversation with you. I love that it leaves you hanging a little bit, too. That there are great things about Jesus that we don't even know about. Awesome.

3. I'm being baptized at my church next Saturday. I'm getting excited about it actually. I'm excited to actually do something I know God has been wanting me to do. I'm excited to have that experience and know what it feels like. I'm a little nervous just because of the whole being-in-front-of-hundreds-of-people thing...but y'know. It'll be good.

0061.

2009-07-21T15:18:00.003-05:00

As I was enduring the frozen tundra that is the beaman weight room, sitting in that little blue chair, I decided to peruse the magazine rack for something to occupy my time.

The cover of a TIME magazine with a wedding cake on the cover, mentioning the importance of marriage in the title, caught my eye. I actually found the article to be very interesting. I mean, a popular magazine actually arguing FOR marriage, not just commenting on the decline of it? Hm.

Some points that stood out to me:

- The decline of the institution of marriage can be attributed to different motives per socio-economic class.
"The poor are [forsaking marriage] be uncoupling parenthood from marriage, and the financially secure are doing it by blasting apart their unions if the principals aren't having fun anymore."

-One of the previous arguments for children doing exceedingly well with two parents was that if you account for income level, the presence of a father is not the cause for poor performance in children. In this article, they found that across the board, even in lower income scenarios, children from two-parent households far exceeded the performance and achievement of children from one-parent households. Even if the one-parent household child is in a more wealthy family than the child from a two-parent household, the two-parent household child exceeds the other.

-A president that actually challenges men to step up and honor the commitment to raising a child. Regardless of politics, I admire this statement by our President:
"We need our fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one."- Barack Obama

-A reason for marriage other than happiness and romantic love: to raise the next generation.
"Children have a primal need to know who they are, to love and be loved by the two people whose physical union brought them here. To lose that connection, that sense of identity, is to experience a would that no child-support check or fancy school can ever heal." -Blankenhorn, President of the Institute for American Values

-An explanation for the troubles cohabitating adults have when a child is brought into the picture:
The child arrives in a family that hasn't resolved its most basic issues, i.e. sexual fidelity and division of responsibilities. The woman starts making wife-like demands on the man, and with no binding commitment, the man leaves.

-A pattern forming: adults are becoming increasingly less willing to put in the hard work and personal sacrifice it takes to maintain a marriage. President and Michelle Obama are often admired for still being "in love." They took a period of separation to work on their marriage and are now in a better place.

-An observation re: Jon Gosselin
The article says that he lives "as though loving the kids and doing right by them were unrelated events."

-The general public delights or even experiences "relief when a standard bearer for the 'traditional family' fails to pull it off."

-Once again, a different reason for marriage than being "in love" and "happy" all the time:
"To raise the next generation. To protect it and teach it. To instill in it the habits of conduct and character that will ensure the generation's own safe passage into adult-hood."

..Something to think about.

0060.

2009-07-17T00:46:00.004-05:00

Happy International Justice Day!

Learn about International Justice Day and why its important from Mocha Club's new video here!:

I've been trying to figure out what God wants me to do with my life lately. Trying to find where my passions lie. And although I am still unsure, I see this video, hear stories, read articles, and I just can't help but seriously consider going into a nonprofit to help people around the world overcome injustice. We are so blessed to live in a country where, while we are not immune to injustice by any means, we have things like clean water and accessible healthcare.

I hope that our generation can stand together against these injustices and love as Jesus loved, never neglecting the needs of our brothers and sisters, who exist both in and beyond our own nation.

Thanks for reading!

0059.

2009-07-14T15:01:00.003-05:00

Thoughts.

1. Community College = LAME. (...no offense..)

2. I want to start using the phrase "right??" like they do on How I Met Your Mother.

3. Today when I was watching a YouTube video someone linked to of an 1983 MJ performance, I realized that I've never really watched Michael Jackson perform from his earlier days. I've only heard the songs and seen the music videos. Hm. I kind of feel like I missed out by like 10 years. Bring on the next prodigy, society. We're ready.

4. This Sunday I was a little mad at God because I feel like He never talks to me. He never gives me a definitive answer. I know, I know. It's because I'm not listening, right? I've heard that all before. But seriously. I felt (and still do a little) that he speaks clearly to other people and not me. Or either they are making it all up, and they don't really know the difference between their own wishes/the "right" thing to do vs. God's voice telling them what to do. I was extremely frustrated. I mean, really. SPEAK IN AUDIBLE WORDS PLEASE. Maybe it was because I was being honest with Him in my head, or maybe I just needed to wait it out (although I feel like I wait out a lot of things and then just end up doing what I think I should do without any definitive "DO THIS." from God)...but I feel like He gave me closure that day. I feel good about my decision. And whether that is His voice or not, maybe I'll never be 100% sure. But I am reassured. And that's what I needed.

5. If you haven't heard Derek Webb's new album, Stockholm Syndrome, go to derekwebb.com and buy it. You get an immediate download even if you buy the physical cd. It is bold and thought-provoking. Listen closely.

6. I want to discover my passions in life and figure out what I am good at. Right now I don't know, but I'm trying.

7. I have one year of college left. AHH. I will try to make the absolute most of it!

8. Maybe I should write a collection of short stories. I know they would probably have little to no literary value as far as utilizing rhetorical devices go...but I would enjoy it. The first will be Captain Planet's awkward high school years, co-written by Edwin.

9....And I want a Sham-Wow.

0059.

2009-07-06T00:09:00.001-05:00

"Whether he is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, I now see." John 9:25

Let me know that You love me, and let that be enough.

0058.

2009-07-02T18:21:00.005-05:00

A Fictional Story.
By: Laura Fagan

It's not like I think about him every day, y'know. I mean, I have a life. I do yoga. My dog loves to watch The View with me every morning. Mr. Ramirez, the mailman, and I have actually formed a substantial acquaintance. And besides, it's not as if I haven't tried to forget. Maybe I should just pour myself into my work like those cocktail-drinking business women in the movies. At least then I wouldn't have time to consider the important things in life, which, for me, would be an improvement.

If it weren't for that damn MyBook.com, I would never have had to see his face again after college. How does social networking manage to sound so appealing yet make my life miserable? I mean, having all the details about a person they choose to share with the internet world (which admittedly is often far too much) at your fingertips? It's fascinating! It fulfills my inner child's lifelong dream of becoming the next Harriet the Spy. But therein lies the danger. My vice. I don't WANT to look. But there he is. Just standing there, the gleam of the camera flash reflecting off the mirror just enough to give the picture that amateur glow. As if he isn't brilliant at everything. But I digress.

I suppose it doesn't help that I still frequent the same gym in which he is currently employed. So what, I'm just supposed to abandon all regard for physical fitness because of a little undying, unrequited love for Get Fit's employee of the month? Uh, I don't think so. That would be a crime against my very flesh. And I don't condone propitiating future pain by simply refusing to embrace a few challenges...

I still have his t-shirt, you know. I mean, the fact that it is even in my possession in the first place is somewhat of a mishap. But is it my fault that people leave things lying around in the laundromat dryer while they go make change for a dollar? I've been planning the return of the shirt for the last two weeks, and I think I've come up with a brilliant solution to fill the pit of longing in my very soul. Closure, that is. Upon casually returning the shirt, ("oh, hi, i believe you dropped this the other day...") he will either confess his feelings for me in a dramatic scene of unleashed hidden passion... or walk away, t-shirt in hand. And in that serendipitous moment I will know in my heart whether or not it is meant to be.

THEN I will pour myself into my work.
The manager of the kitchen appliances department will be thrilled.

0057.

2009-04-29T21:08:00.002-05:00

Say what you will about Dave Matthews Band. I've never really been a huge fan. But I like this song.

I really like what the lyrics have to say, and I think the slightly off-kilter music in the verses reflect them. So here's the lyrics.

Just thought I'd post them.

P.S. I went to a Mosque tonight for my Religion class. It was interesting. I'll probably blog more on that when I don't have a 10 page paper staring me in the face....

Lyin’ in the park
On a beautiful day
Sun shine in the grass
And the children play
Siren’s passin’
Fire engine’s red
Someone’s house is burning down
On a day like this

The evening comes and we’re hangin’ out
On the front step
And a car goes by with the windows rolled down
And that war song is playin “why can’t we be friends?”
Someone's screamin’ and cryin’ in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is
And if you think about it
Somebody’s goin’ hungry
And someone else is eatin’ out
Funny the way it is
Whether right or wrong
Somebody’s heart is broken
And it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in a lover’s kiss
Like a pretty bird on a breeze
Or water to a fish
But a bomb blast brings the building crashin’ to the floor
Hear the laughter while the children play war

Funny the way it is
And if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school
While another’s droppin’ out
Funny the way it is
No matter right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath
His baby’s being born

Standin’ on a bridge
Watch the water passin’ under me
It must have been much harder
When there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small
Remember how it used to be
With mountain, and oceans, and winter’s, and river’s and stars

Watch the sky the jetplanes
So far out of my reach
Is there someone up there lookin’ down on me?
Boy chase a bird
So close but everytime
He never catch her
But he can’t stop trying

0056.

2009-04-10T17:50:00.006-05:00

So I wanted to write a blog today, but I'd kind of decided against it since I usually write a blog on Easter and didn't feel like I had anything new to add.

Until about 2pm today.
I was riding with my mom (in the valley) to run errands before getting a pedicure (yay), when I saw something that made me fight back tears.

I'll try to paint the picture for you, because I didn't think I would able to get a good photo of it.

We pulled into the bank parking lot, so I was able to watch further while my mom went inside.

This is what I saw:

An older man, unkempt, with a long white beard wearing dingy flannel and cargo pants. Some sort of hat. I can't picture it well now. He had two flat metal crosses hanging around his neck. Here inlies the interesting part: on his back he was stabling a cross, which i later saw to be dragging along on what I think was a dolly, covered in a sheet on which the face of Jesus was painted. Some stray garments of some sort hung from it as well.

He was trudging along on the grass (or sidewalk, if there happened to be one) in the same direction the cars were traveling, so the first thing the cars saw was a large moving cross with a giant Jesus face covering most of it. You could not see the man from behind. I was able to watch him intently as he gradually advanced in my view from one side of the windshield to the other.

Now, the man simply trudged along, step by step, very deliberately. He said nothing. Better yet, he yelled nothing. He kept his gaze forward and slightly tilted downward. He stopped for a few seconds about every 15 yards or so, perhaps to gather his bearings again before continuing on.

I have no idea how far he had traveled or how far he was planning on going. I have no idea if anyone else even gave him a second glance.
But I wish I could let him know that he touched my heart today.

In the same humble way as Jesus did, without saying a word, he said a thousand words. There were no picket signs or megaphones. There were no war statistics or hellfire speeches. He just reminded everyone of what was happening on that day almost two thousand years ago.

And perhaps no one noticed. (although, how could you not--at least for a second) Perhaps practically no one cared. But I feel like that is an accurate representation of Jesus and how he presented himself to the world. He did what he came to do, with one thing in mind, and he did it humbly. And most people didn't (and don't) care.

I hope that man finds rest today. I don't know if he was homeless; I don't think he was crazy. But if he made no difference to anyone else today, I hope somehow he knows that he affected me.

Thank you Jesus. I could better feel the weight of Your sacrifice today because of the heart of this man.

0055.

2009-04-07T23:12:00.003-05:00

Craig's contribution to my paper on how International Business relates to Music Business:

Butternut squash. This vegetable is more than just a tasty treat. It can be used for many practical purposes around the house, such as a doorstop, a hat, weights to lift, a pillow, and many others. The only limit is your imagination!

0054.

2009-04-02T17:54:00.003-05:00

Yet another referral.

It's about being willing to be inconvenienced by someone you love (read: wife, husband..God), even if you're willing to die for them. Everyday selflessness vs. the grand gesture selflessness. Great post.

Click here to read it.

0053.

2009-03-30T23:46:00.002-05:00

Things I Wish I Had Time To Do:

1. sit on the quad in the sunshine

2. make pot roast

3. watch hsm 3

4. eat lunch with friends

5. play guitar (!!)

6. write blogs.

7. schedule group meetings. (not that it is desirable.)

8. take care of a puppy so that i could GET a puppy (!!)

9. watch One Tree Hill on time

10. work at camp this summer for two weeks

11. journal

12. find the thing i'm good at

13. go sit at CPK so i can find a celebrity

0052.

2009-03-29T00:20:00.002-05:00

1. I'm most likely changing my major. Yes, I am a junior...

2. The main thing I wanted to blog on was what we talked about in my religion class the other day. Actually, it wasn't even really part of the lecture. But my professor told a story that I am about to try to summarize for you. It might be a little long, depending on how much I can remember. But here goes.

Beginning of WWII. When the Nazis started invading and killing/capturing Jewish people, a Rabbi in Czechoslovakia (I think.) heard what was happening and knew that there was a strong possibility of his Synagogue being destroyed. He wanted to protect the 60,000 dollar hand-made (today's worth estimate, at least), not to mention sacred, Torah, so he went to a Catholic priest that he knew and asked him a favor. He asked him if he would be willing to hide it until all of the happenings were over. He asked that it be returned if a new synagogue is ever built in its place. The priest agreed, and he knew that once the Nazi's raided the Synagogue and saw no Torah, they'd go looking for it. So he decided to have it buried in a cemetery. They had a ceremony; he performed all the rites. It was put in a casket and buried.

When the Nazis came, sure enough they raided the Synagogue and killed the Rabbi and the other Jewish people involved.
(Note: the Nazis were taking the physical remnants of the Jewish culture they were destroying and sending them to a warehouse that they called The Museum of Extinct Peoples.)

I can't remember how much time went by, but after probably a few days or something of looking for the Torah, someone slipped and told the Nazis it was in the cemetery. The Nazis killed the Catholic priest, and tore up the cemetery indiscriminately, digging up graves right and left until they found it. Then they sent it to the Museum of Extinct Peoples.

When the war was over, Britain had a part of Czechoslovakia that contained the museum, so they were wondering what to do with it. So they sent it back to the synagogue being built there (I am only about 80% sure of this detail..).

Anyways, this whole story was told to my professor by a previous Rabbi at a synagogue in Nashville. And once a year he would get out their Torah, unroll it and let children gather around and he told the WWII story.

And he says: So live your lives that such evil never happens again.

And it made me think. Seriously. How can God get any glory from this world? Nothing is right about it. There are evils that could be qualified as almost as bad as that existing in sex trafficking today. How can we ever do anything to help fix it?

And what a tremendous amount of social responsibility we have.
Back to a verse I have to keep thinking of when I ask the question, "why am I so freaking comfortable while the world suffers?"--- To whom much has been given, much is demanded.

Man. That story just got to me. How dark the world is and how small we are. Just wondering how any aspect of our lives can be remotely pleasing to God when there is such darkness...
I don't know. Sometimes I just want to sleep until it goes away. But I know I can't. And I can't just check out and ignore the pain in the world. I have to find some small way to shine a little light.

Sorry this was a bit of a downer. But, um, on the bright side I have tickets to see The Fray and Jack's Mannequin this summer at Chastain in Atlanta... :)

0051.

2009-03-28T01:04:00.002-05:00

A referral.

I think Reid has some great things to say about a real marriage here.

I'm writing my own blog tomorrow.

Really.

0050.

2009-03-02T13:24:00.002-06:00

Blog Post 50. Is that a milestone? If not, I think it should be. I feel like I should at least have a party of the same caliber of the one Jim & Dwight threw Kelly for her birthday. But I digress.

First of all I just want to say how happy I am that I have a community group. Not just one that exists in theory, but one that actually meets on a regular basis and has a relatively consistent number of great girls that come.

I had the awesome opportunity to have most of them over to my house last night to cook dinner. It is so great to just hang out with girls going through the same kinds of things you are and just talk. I do love having a boyfriend, but my girl time seriously diminishes. So I'm just really thankful for those girls and the opportunity to get to know them better.

Second of all, our former young adult minister, Reid, (who is awesome) posted this blog with a video that is not only hilarious but so telling of our current state of consciousness in the world. Click here to see it.

Third of all, I have entirely too much homework this week, and I might explode, but if I do in fact manage to stay intact, Spring Break is on the horizon and I get to go skiing with my family and Craig plus family friends. yay!!

oh. and get The Fray's cover of Kanye West's "Heartless" on their MySpace blog. You won't be disappointed.

That is all.

0049.

2009-02-22T01:10:00.004-06:00

A referral..

Please read this post by Jen Taylor, a writer whose blog I subscribe to, if you would. She makes a lot of sense.

Weird how we were just talking about this, Nicole..

0048.

2009-02-20T20:54:00.002-06:00

(Possibly D-List) Celebrities Whom I Wish Hadn't Faded Into Oblivion:

1. Devon Sawa

2. Kevin from the Backstreet Boys

3. Gregory Smith

4. Erik Von Detten

5. Kaci & JoJo

6. Ja Rule

7. The cast of Boy Meets World

8. Jonathan Taylor Thomas

9. Dustin Diamond (name that character...)

..but mostly Devon Sawa.

Oh, and here's the "creative response" to a book called Borderlands (think: immigration, exploitation, loss of identity) I wrote for my 3rd Year Writing class. I think it's pretty okay for a 1-page (double spaced) narrative:

My stomach lurched in the most unbearable way. I was no longer able to distinguish whether the torrential river blurring my vision was the beating rain or my own gushing tears. The ice-cold mud squished through my sandals, between my toes as I tore through the darkness, though I could barely feel my feet anymore. I struggled to wrap my sopping wet hand-woven shawl tighter around my shoulders in an attempt to feel warmth again.

Not having eaten in two days, I felt my legs begin to buckle underneath me as I neared that ambiguous territory. The knot in my stomach told me they’d find me and send me back—or worse—but still, I felt compelled to continue. My goal was on the horizon.

I tried to remember my son. My sweet, beautiful son. This is for him. I will find a way. No longer will I accept poverty as an inevitable truth.

Lights. Illuminating the small palm tree within 50 feet of me I had not previously been aware of, the beams scoured the area to my left. My heart throbbed against my ribs as if it refused to be contained. I had arrived. I collapsed to the ground as if my body had been holding out just long enough to see a glimpse of the destination.

I lay frozen on the mucky ground, for I knew not what else to do. My body seemed to have forgotten how to flinch, let alone crawl. I prayed. I prayed with more conviction than I had during the only four Masses I’d attended in my lifetime combined. I do not know to whom exactly I was praying. The universe, I guess. Or any being who promised hope. I suppose I prayed due to a lack of feasible alternatives.
I heard the crunch of tires on gravel. A door slammed shut. This was it. They would be here soon. My body convulsed in a fit of uncontrollable sobs. Perdóname, mi hijo. I managed to whisper, perdóname,,,

0047.

2009-02-16T23:52:00.002-06:00

Things I Hate and/or Don't Understand.

1. Hard-back books. seriously. give me one good reason.

2. page requirements. I still hold to the saying my high school english teacher always said in response to the "how long does it have to be?" question: Like a girl's skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

3. Times earlier than 10am.

To Be Continued...

In other news,

I am totally over this being-busy thing. I know there are you people out there who just live for the thrill of rushing from place to place, never having time to sit and watch Gilmore Girls...but I just don't roll that way.
I love down time.
I don't love every week being almost an exact replica of the previous one, then waking up on Monday and doing it all over again.

I did sign on for this, I guess. But whatever. Igbok. (Thanks, Fellowship)

I am currently avoiding BS-ing my way through the last page (of 3) of a paper on material for which i have only 1/4 a page of notes, and that the book only addresses for a grand total of 3 sentences. Like I told my classmate Courtney (who, by the way, feels my pain)...my paper is currently a random assortment of incoherent ramblings that may or may not actually answer the question. Whatever.

My weekend was chaos. But Valentine's and seeing my family was nice.
Our kitchen has recently transformed into a garden, but that's a story for another day.

Tomorrow is definitely a t-shirt day.

0046.

2009-01-31T16:14:00.001-06:00

I'll do you a favor and not tag anyone! yay! now you're not obligated.

1. I like scarves.

2. I also like my red pea coat which now doesn't match any of my scarves.

3. I wish my life was a Disney musical. Preferably starring Zac Efron.

4. Nashville has become a 2nd home. finally.

5. I still like the backstreet boys. don't hate.

6. "Slow Dancing In A Burning Room" is my favorite John Mayer song.

7. Whenever I listen to "Mother We Just Can't Get Enough" by New Radicals, it makes me happy and takes me back to a simpler time. :)

8. I want Everwood and Boy Meets World post-6th-grade to come out on DVD. It makes me really mad at The Man that it hasn't happened.

9. I want to do something more with my life than just go to school or have a job. I don't want to ignore the poor and broken.

10. Sometimes I hate America. Then again, I feel blessed to live here. Then I feel bad for feeling blessed just because I have stuff. Then I wonder what life would be like if I were born in Africa instead. I'm lucky.

11. Apparently I like the kitchen to be relatively clean. Dirty dishes sitting in the sink or on the counter when there is a perfectly good dishwasher drives me crazy.

12. I should be reading for 3rd Year Writing.

13. I love to write, actually. Not music. That I am bad at. I think. But I love to do creative writing. I don't know where it comes from. I'm still proud of the satire I wrote in 11th grade.

14. I've never seen Titanic all the way through. You can gasp now.

15. I met the best friends I will ever have when I was in 1st grade.

16. I miss high school sometimes.

17. I wear my hair in side ponytails. Often.

18. I want to be at camp. If my heart were ever torn open (metaphorically of course), I would drive to Camp Glisson and just sit in the chapel. I think it would help.

19. I like word games a lot. And games in general. i.e. Taboo, Cranium, Mad Gab...

20. I think Bongo Java has better coffee than Starbucks. I dunno what it is about it.

21. I wish I had seen the Jonas Brothers in Pancake Pantry like Patrick did. I'd totally want to meet them. Seriously. Listen to "Burnin' Up" or "Play My Music" and try not to dance.

22. I want to be friends with Selena Gomez and/or Queen Latifah.

23. I tried to fight the song "Single Ladies," knowing full well I would later download it. And my chivalrous boyfriend bought it for me so I wouldn't have to actually cave. :-)

24. I am an INFJ. And the descriptions I wrote on my blog a while back are eerily accurate.

25. I like reading US Weekly and People. I don't know why.

0045.

2009-01-26T00:44:00.005-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obhdTlImFBo&feature=channel_page

I love the song "You Found Me" by the Fray.

I can't quite nail down my reasoning behind it, but I am about to attempt to convey my feelings towards the song.

I love that the lyrics seem to be raw. I love that you can clearly hear the yearning in his heart.
I don't know what the intended meaning behind the song is, but this is what I gather.

I love that he depicts God as a guy he finds on the corner, smoking his last cigarette. Now, I know this is not typical nor Biblical, but I love it because I think it is, in a way, poetic and expressive. I don't think God could ever be portrayed on the same level as us average joes and be remotely accurate, but I don't think this song is about accuracy. I think it is simply expression of a pained heart.

I feel like I can really experience the indignance (is that the noun form?) in his voice as he sings: "Where were you when everything was falling apart??"

I think we can all relate to the lines, "Why'd you have to wait?" and "Just a little late...you found me." God's timing almost never lines up with our timing. I know that God is never late, but I think straight up accusing Him by saying He was "just a little late" is representative of what we would sometimes say to God if we felt like it was "okay."
The bridge is a climactic culmination of the genuine frustration he is heaving upon God in a rant, and i love how real he is being with God:

"I've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages! Never sent me no letters. You got some kind of nerve taking all I want!"

I know this is not a praise song. And I know that playing this song on Christian radio is not exactly conventional. But this is, to me, a prime example of how we can hear the brokenness and hurt in humanity crying out for Jesus. Yearning for comfort.

I wrote a post a while back about a Linkin Park show I saw (note: I was there to see Coheed & Cambria.), and how I could sense the longing in the room both from the band and the crowd as they all sung out "Amen, amen..."

This song gives me the same feeling. I think it's beautiful in that we see a person being completely transparent and real with God. He is not playing any games. He is not observing any decorum we Christians sometimes think we have to uphold in front of others, God, or even ourselves.

[Plus, it helps that The Fray are all-stars at melodious pop-rock.
I have had the privilege of listening to an advance copy of their new album, and it is fantastic. (Februrary 3rd, guys.)]

0044.

2009-01-07T18:44:00.002-06:00

Things the Valley Should Have to Relieve Boredom:

1. A park full of inflatable slides and/or obstacle courses.

2. A dollar movie theater.

3. Concerts.

4. More than 4 restaurants.

5. Somewhere we could have a dance party.

6. Celebrities.

7. A beach.

8. The Jonas Brothers.

9. A Rockband tournament.

10. A waterfall.

11. A coffee shop. WIth or without karaoke.

12. A giant trampoline.

That's all I can think of right now. Feel free to add on.

0043.

2009-01-06T13:45:00.003-06:00

A story spawned from boredom.

I sit. I stare. That is all I seem to ever do, lately. I rock back and forth in my weathered wicker chair. Knitting seems less than appealing. Maybe I'll rekindle the fire. It's still burning bright. I feel like it's been hours since I lit it. I sigh and look around at the familiar living room. The grandfather clock in the corner mocks me. It is only 6:30. There is too much time left in the day. I've exhausted all my options. I've cooked. I've cleaned. Nothing left now but to be haunted by my thoughts yet again...

The furious pounding on the door frightened me, I remember. I flung my utensils in the air and had to brace myself with the kitchen table to avoid what could've been a serious back injury. "KATHERINE!!" My breath became short and my heart began to beat like a tribal drum. My brother only says my name like that in times of great distress. The pounding continued. I raced to the old wooden door and fumbled with the latch. The door flung open and knocked me to my feet.

"Katherine! Get out. We have to go. He's--He's on a rampage!"

My stomach churned. I knew who he meant, but in an attempt to comfort my mind, I managed to squeak out, "Who?"

Without so much as a blink to acknowledge my query, he seized my arm and dragged me into the relentless rain. The thunder cracked, immediately followed by a flash of lightning.

"There's no time!" he yelled.
"Where are we going??" I shouted back.

He simply kept repeating, "There's no time...there's no time!"

He flung me into the back of a wagon drawn by frightened horses, black as the night sky.
"Listen to me. He will be here soon. There is no way he would leave this town without you. Ride until you come to Roulesburg. Thomas will meet you there; he's gone ahead."

"But--where--I mean, aren't you coming?"

"Constable Livingston has asked me to stay and keep watch. Do not be afraid. I will see you soon."

Footsteps grinding against the gravel grew louder by the second. He was almost here.

"GO!" Samuel yelled.

"But--"

"GO." I had never seen his face so stern.

"KATHERINE." a voice growled from behind my brother. Samuel turned slowly to face him as he whispered, "Please. Just go."

My eyes locked on those of my pursuer. Just as I had remembered, but darker. Filled with fire and passionate anger.
My heart sunk as my stomach lurched simultaneously.
He was no longer the love of my youth. Innocent. Free. He was a monster.

In an instant my mind flashed to 3 summers ago. He was wild and outgoing. Kind, yet misunderstood. Since the day he arrived in our town, he was virtually shunned by all. My parents were no different. We were therefore made to see one another in secret, until Father Connelly saw us together. They accused him of horrid things. Kidnapping. Theft. Rape. He tried to reason with the judge. They did not listen. They arrested him, ridiculed him, and ran him out of town.
He tried to come back for me. They beat him, laughed, and told no one. I saw and no one listened to me. I wept every day for two years.

And now, here we are. Has his love and indignant rage become so powerful that it has taken over his sanity? What has he done?

But there he was. My love for whom I had waited to return. I wanted to run into his arms and look into his dark eyes. Somehow they still comforted me. No. He was not my Graham anymore. He was a terror.

My brother had dashed to the horses, commanding them to take off. "Take the reins, Katherine! Now!"

My eyes were still locked on Graham's as they grew farther and farther away and faded into the darkness. I forced myself to turn around and grab the reins. Tears poured from my eyes, blurring my vision. I lifted my sleeve to my eyes and blotted the moisture away...

I sit. I stare, as tears well up in my eyes as they have every night for 20 years. I won't let them tell me what happened to him. I prefer to imagine that he is well. As am I.

0042.

2009-01-04T20:15:00.002-06:00

this blog is also late. i was pretty busy around actual new years day, so January 4th will have to do.

2008.
It's really hard for me to reflect all the way back to January of last year, so I'm using my journal to assist me.

I started actually attempting to work out on a semi-regular basis this year. really. It all started when Dave Ramsey spoke at our church (go figure, he goes to Fellowship too) in January and talked about this metaphorical pie chart of life. 6 different areas of your life you can serve God by being intentional in (i.e. family, intellectual, physical, spiritual, career, social...) so I was like, okay. I'm gonna do this. I am going to work out more often because I want to be healthy in order to serve God better. It's much easier when you do something for a higher purpose than just out of guilt or shame from eating 4 cookies.

I turned 20. I am a score old. I don't know how this happened. I don't think I want to grow up yet.

I came to an epiphany. All throughout junior high & high school, I focused my life on staying away from "bad" things. I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. And I avoided anyone who did so. Now, I don't really judge myself for that because it was what I thought was right at the time. But I now know that I wasted so much time NOT doing things. NOT drinking. NOT hanging out with nonchristians, that I never got to know those people. I never had time to love them. I have since tried to refocus my life on DOING things. Acting on what I believe to be true. It is not enough to merely live in a Christian bubble. I must help mend the broken hearts and love those who cannot love me back.

This epiphany can be attributed in part to a book called The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne. My friend Jenny gave it to me for my birthday and it shifted my perspective on life. It was frustrating but amazing at the same time.

I went to Peru. It was great, but I wish I had formed more relationships with the people there. Hopefully I can go back some time. And I got to use my Spanish, which I loved.

I've gotten closer to a few of my girl friends in Nashville, which I really needed. :)

And I've realized that no one could ever come close to replacing my best friends in the Valley. Talking to them until 4:30am proves that.

Coheed melted my face off at the Sommet Center.

I saw Hootie and the Blowfish in concert. Too bad Darius Rucker thinks he's country now.

I gained a newfound appreciation for Rihanna.

I went to a rally against wiping out Tent City in Nashville and became more aware of homelessness in our city.

I think my sociology class and shane claiborne made me become an activist.

Debate 08 owned my life for two and a half months.

I got an internship at INO Records. (see: Derek Webb, Sara Groves, and currently The Fray)

Derek Webb's lyrics spoke to my soul.

Sean McConnell reinforced the fact that he owns songwriting (at least in my heart).

I became a member of Fellowship Bible Church and feel more at home at Inversion via the Peru trip & getting to sing in the worship band sometimes.

I realized that there's no such thing as a "cute" overload when you're watching Jon & Kate plus 8. :)

I experienced JUST how humid Baton Rouge, Louisiana REALLY is in July.

I got to hang out with my brother a lot more, which was cool.

We FINALLY went camping!

My 8th grade crush, nay, "future husband" got married.

I missed camp.

One of my childhood bffs got married. weird.

I became the bomb at racquetball.

I actually watched the olympics.

I tried to get to know people better and/or meet people.

I started working with the youth at my church. They're fun.

I went to NYC with my family, family friends, and craig. :) It was so fun.

I survived a gas shortage.

I crawled through a mud pit obstacle course with ninth graders in 40 degree weather.

I have still successfully avoided Ugg boots.

0041.

2008-12-08T08:37:00.002-06:00

A few days late, but...

So I hope you guys will go check out the blog I wrote about Mocha Club's new campaign: I need Africa more than Africa needs me. If you want to know more, go to mochaclub.org or click the link after this excerpt.

I NEED AFRICA MORE THAN AFRICA NEEDS ME

When I think of Africa, the following images immediately come to mind: Starvation. AIDS. Child soldiers. Genocide. Sex slaves. Orphans. From there, my thoughts naturally turn to how I can help, how I can make a difference. “I am needed here,” I think. “They have so little, and I have so much.” It’s true, there are great tragedies playing out in Africa everyday. There is often a level of suffering here that is unimaginable until you have seen it, and even then it is difficult to believe. But what is even harder is reconciling the challenges that many Africans face with the joy I see in the people. It’s a joy that comes from somewhere I cannot fathom, not within the framework that has been my life to this day. {read more}

thanks for reading! :-)

0040.

2008-11-27T11:12:00.002-06:00

Things I Can Attribute to Growing Up in the Valley:

1. My occasional ability to drive absent-mindedly
2. My inability to make new friends.
3. The bar set in my mind for something qualifying as "sketch" is very low.
4. My willingness to go play capture the flag in 35 degree weather.
5. My initial inferiority complex upon arriving at Belmont.
6. I am easily entertained.
7. I appreciate small town life.
8. I enjoy knowing most everyone. Most of the time...
9. I expect random people I encounter to be nice to me.
10. I expect random people I encounter to know my dad.
11. I have been in the paper umpteen times.
12. I played a varsity sport.
13. I have the best friends ever.

0039.

2008-11-24T16:48:00.003-06:00

I need Africa more than Africa needs me.

I was asked by Mocha Club**{see bottom} to blog about why this is so.

I think this statement is one concerning joy.
I think our daily lives and American culture as a whole suffer from a lack of joy, and perhaps it is a result of a lack of trust in God to provide.
We often live, as Francis Chan puts it, as though God doesn't exist. Or at least as if we do not believe He does. This is what he means: we have back-up plans and savings accounts. We have Plan B's and "wiggle room" just in case. We are not often required to trust God.
We are not often required to put all our hope in God to provide.
Therefore, I think, we as a whole are lacking in joy. We don't leave much room for Him to work miracles. How much different would our lives be if we were not so comfortable?

How much more trusting would we be if God were the SOURCE of our life, in the most literal sense, rather than just a part of it?

This is why I believe I need Africa more than Africa needs me.

Now, I have never been to Africa. I can't wait to hear from my friend Jenny who just got back from Kenya. But I have been to Peru and Mexico in areas of extreme poverty. And I can tell you that the joy and generosity they exhibit squashes ours to bits. If they have three shirts, they want to give you one.
If they have a small shack, they want to invite you in.
This is why I believe I need Africa more than Africa needs me.

We can learn so much from their joy and their trust in the Lord. We can learn what it is to truly give.
God will come through for these people. These believers. We are not essential to the plan. Whether or not we choose to be a part of it His great story is secondary.
This is why I believe I need Africa more than Africa needs me.

Why do YOU believe that? Or why do you not believe that?
Share your thoughts in my comments or blog about it yourself! Join Mocha Club's effort to shift from and image of pity to an image of partnership.

Dec 1st there will be another post with some new info on what Mocha Club is doing & how you can help! To Be Continued...

**Mocha Club [www.mochaclub.org] is a community-based website where members can start a team and invite friends to join them in giving $7 a month – the cost of 2 mochas – to support a project in Africa. Mocha Club's vision is to provide a way for people who don't have hundreds or thousands of dollars to make a difference in Africa.

0038.

2008-11-19T12:36:00.002-06:00

Once again I have found myself at odds with someone's projection of who they are via Facebook. Apparently this is where I find an abundance of things I disagree with.

Anyways. I noticed this on a Christian someone's"Favorite Quotes" section and had to give in to the urge to blog my little heart out over it.

A heart is not measured by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
~The Wizard of Oz

I find this completely at odds with how Jesus taught and lived.
Was he not the target of much hatred and anger? Did he not say that if the world hates you, remember that it hated Him first?

On the contrary, a heart is very MUCH measured by how much you love regardless of who returns the sentiment. Did Christ not also say, for what good is a man who loves those who love him? Even the Pharisees do that. But the real measure of a heart is how much you love those who cannot and will not ever love you back. The ones that cannot repay you are the ones you are called to serve the most.

We are not called to soak up and bask in all the love we can get from others. (Making people happy is not the point of love.) We are called to stand out. We are called to love until it hurts. And then love some more. Christ loved all the way to his brutal death by the ones WHOM he loved.

If you are hated by, ignored by, or even just confusing to most of the world, chances are you are doing something right.

0037.

2008-11-17T22:35:00.001-06:00

Things I Don't Understand.

I got this idea from another blog (http://writeaboutnow.christianstandard.com/) and it sounded right up my alley.

1. the fascination with Ugg boots
2. why "I Kissed A Girl" was so darn catchy and likeable
3. why I continue to watch The Hills
4. how someone can send a text message to the wrong number. that takes effort.
5. why society continues to support Britney in her endeavors..or lack thereof
6. celebrity couple names
7. celebrity baby names
8. people who comment on YouTube videos.
9. why the makers of "Scary Movie" won't just give up
10. the subjunctive tense en Espanol
11. the fact that I got a C in Intermediate College Spanish if I can carry on a conversation with a Peruvian
12. why facebook is so addicting
13. twitter
14. Beowolf in old English
15. why the aforementioned book that tortured me in high school was made into a movie starring angelina jolie as a hideous creature
16. running for pleasure
17. why people can't seem to figure out the difference between "your" and "you're"
18. the stock market and how it can all-of-a-sudden just crash if no one wants it to
19. why 8th graders today don't look HALF as awkward as we did in 8th grade.
20. why there were about 27 Land Before Time movies.
21. people who wear heels to 8am classes.
22. how voices like Sean McConnell and Christy Nockels' exist.
23. Christ's love for us.

0036.

2008-11-05T18:47:00.002-06:00

I realize this blog is a little late. I wrote it a few days ago.

I saw a Facebook status (the apparent passive outlet of choice for “passionate” college students) recently that read “Saved, therefore Republican.”

My heart was overcome with a mixture of anger and sadness.
Is this the conclusion we have come to? One party is innately better than the other?
Does this party adhere to more Christ-like standards in any way? Because it is more conservative? Christ was hardly conservative.

Not to say that he was a Democrat, either.

These parties are comprised of people. Broken, corrupt, depraved people. We all are. How can we expect a party, or even a church for that matter, to be exempt from these characteristics?

Jesus constantly challenged politics. He revolutionized society by championing the notion that one should serve God in Heaven above all else. Even the law—y’know, protest the sword if it’s not wielded well.
He even protested tradition.
We serve a King unfathomably larger than man.
Christ never affiliated himself with a political group. Why? He was something altogether different. After all, he was God. God transcends time. He transcends gender. Why would he not also transcend politics?

There are so many more important things to concern ourselves with. I think if all the time spent arguing over politics was spent finding ways to help out the poor or better yet, actually spending time with the poor, there could be significant change for the better.

Yes. You will certainly have your opinions. Who doesn’t? But you are probably not going to change anyone else’s just-as-firmly-rooted opinions with (sometimes hostile) arguing for 3 hours.
It’s enough to make anyone’s head explode.

I know I’m getting off-base, here. I’m trying to organize the thoughts swirling around in my head at the mention of this statement.

I think that as Christians, we are called to live set apart from the constrictions and labels men place on other men. We are not to affiliate ourselves with a candidate so strongly that we immediately judge someone based on what candidate they choose to vote for.
We are to affiliate ourselves with Christ and live radically, not conforming to the patterns of this world. I think one of the patterns of this world is becoming enveloped in and identified so much by a party or a candidate that we are willing to cut down others in order to be correct.
We refuse to voice our opinions with love and gentleness. Rather, we voice them with an air of arrogance and vindictiveness. Anything, even statements which merit no response, to disprove the other and have the upper hand.

No one knows how the plans of the president elect will pan out—whether they will do what they say they will do, whether what they do will be “successful” (whatever that means—more money for the US of A? I don’t know.). Maybe your candidate will be the best leader the world has ever seen. Maybe he will be the worst. Maybe we have no real way of establishing objective qualities that determine a “good” or “bad” president.

But as Derek Webb so eloquently puts it, “we’ll NEVER have a Savior on Capitol Hill.”

I am a Christ follower first, above any other category we place on ourselves. Even “Democrat.” Even “Republican.” Even “American.”

0035.

2008-10-26T16:54:00.004-05:00

The Tale of the Magical Wicked Parking Garage: A True Story

by Laura Fagan

October 24th, 2008.
5:55pm

Nicole and I had arrived downtown for a rally on behalf of the residents of Tent City. We discovered a parking garage across the street from our intended destination, the Metro Courthouse. The following is an account of what ensued.

We crept up the spiral ramp in order to enter the garage. Immediately we realize that this is no ordinary parking garage. Spiral staircases do not exactly facilitate escalation for anyone in pedestrian life, nor would it translate well to the automobile world.
This ramp is centered in the parking garage, seemingly connecting all of the floors (which we later determined to be untrue).
We apparently had entered upon a blue ramp, which will be important to remember for the reader.
We found an appropriate parking space on floor 4 and proceeded to the next logical location: the elevator.
After pressing the button depicting a downwards arrow, we realized that this button was clearly out of order. No light was indicating we had, in fact, pressed the button. We thought perhaps the light was just broken, but after pressing it numerous additional times and waiting a few minutes, we realized the elevator was out of order.

We found the alternative and started descending down flights of stairs. Upon reaching where the door marked "1" should be, we saw only a concrete wall. We shrugged, a little perplexed, but continued down the stairs. We opened the only (unlabeled) door and found ourselves in a concrete cave of a hallway with a door on each end. One had no signs of leading to the outside world, so we proceeded to the one marked "Exit" (non-emergency) complete with a hand written sign reading "push hard." We did, indeed "push hard" on the crash bar several times, but found ourselves trapped. In Narnia. Only it was much sketchier, and there was no lightpost in which to travel back safely through the wardrobe. After allowing ourselves a small freak-out (what screams horror movie more than 2 young girls trapped in a dark hallway in a basement of a parking garage??), we were able to go back up the 2nd floor and take a functional elevator from there.

AFTER the rally the real confusion began. We attempted to find my car on floor 4. The panel in the elevator with the floor buttons was separated into two colors, even numbers on a Red panel, and odd numbers on a Blue panel. We pressed the only 4 we could find (Red). My car was nowhere to be found. We could see blue writing and a "4" on a floor below us from where we stood, and figured we could simply enter the spiral ramp and get off at the other side, spilling us out into the blue side. Yet the red coded spiral ramp in the center ran parallel to yet another blue coded spiral. Never do the two meet. Our only plan was out the window. There is no way to get to the Blue side where we now realize my car must be residing.

Where was the elevator that went to the Blue Fourth Floor??

We wandered a bit more and found what was apparently a different magical elevator that takes you to a different realm of floors. This time the 4 was on the Blue side. We were saved!!

Sure enough, upon exiting the elevator, my car was in sight and accessible. Apparently magical elevator is the only way by which one can reach all the floors.

Now, I ask you, WHO designed this parking garage?
What was the reasoning behind combining two separate yet parallel parking garages and connecting them only by way of elevator?
Why the color coding?
Whose idea was it to make two elevators that don't go to the same set of floors?

These are the questions we were left to ponder after paying 8 dollars to experience this...

0034.

2008-10-01T17:46:00.003-05:00

Reasons Why I Feel Like I Should Move to Mars:

1. The economy is imploding.
The Dow Jones went down 777 points, which is apparently super bad. (What is the Dow Jones and what the heck is this alleged point system?)

2. It is impossible to live above the poverty line (about 20,000 dollars a year) on minimum wage.

3. Apparently, hospitals can charge people without health insurance 500 dollars to come into an ER and receive a 40 dollar ace bandage.

4. I have no idea how to even go about trying to help fix numbers 2 and 3. Not the policies, just help those struggling with them. But I think I am going to try anyways. I just have to figure out a small way.

5. Most things about America now confuse me. The fact that we can even talk in amounts of 700 Billion dollars just blows my mind. The perpetual cycle of poverty blows my mind. The fact that I am typing on a portable computer that I didn't even buy myself and I will drive by a person who does not know if he will eat tonight blows my mind. The fact that we have tv shows in which people turn down massive amounts of money in the attempt to attain more massive amounts of money blows my mind. Crazy.

Now, I realize the solution is not running from problems that seem overwhelming. So I can't move to Mars. (That and the fact that planet can't sustain life.)

Anyways. This isn't some sort of political statement. Just a list of things that are currently overwhelming my heart & mind. I have to figure out how to get myself to start seeing others (ALL others. Across the world) as my family.

(Also I'm currently watching a commercial with Michael Phelps promoting Rosetta Stone language learning software...really??)

0033.

2008-09-12T00:00:00.002-05:00

My friend Jenny got me Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution for my birthday this year. I'm bad at not finishing books, but I am going to finish this one. Especially before he speaks at Belmont.
It's a very challenging book. It puts thoughts in your head that won't go away. And they probably shouldn't.

It makes me think about far bigger pictures than just college and getting "in" when it comes to the music industry. Because honestly, I don't really care about the corporate-ness of the music industry.
I would love to help out artists that I believe have talent and something worth relating to our generation. But helping Jessica Simpson hit platinum again? No thanks. The world doesn't need more of that perspective. I'd probably lie awake at night if I were helping to make the super-rich richer while the poor suffer.

ANYWAYS. All this to say, shane is an extremist for Christ's love.

Here are some great quotes from The Irresistible Revolution.

"It can be hard to hear the gentle whisper of the Spirit amid the noise of Christendom."

"Jesus was crucified not for helping poor people but for joining them. That is the Jesus we follow."\

"Rather than do what makes sense to us and ask God's blessing, we'd do better to surround ourselves with those whom God promises to bless, and then we need not ask God's blessing." (think: beatitudes)

(actually from his college professor)"All around you people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe." (A well-needed lesson for me to hear..)

"God, forgive us for all those we have lost because we made the Gospel boring. ...It's because we make the Gospel too easy, not because we make it too difficult."

"While the ghettos may have their share of violence and crime, the suburbs are the home of the more subtle demonic forces--numbness, complacency, comfort--and it is these that can eat away at our souls."

"If people really knew what idiots we are, in all our brokenness and vulnerability, they would know that they can give this thing a shot too. Christianity is for sick people."

0032.

2008-09-05T21:06:00.002-05:00

So, lots of interesting things were said in sociology today.

There was one in particular I WISH I had written down, because now I can't remember. And I wanted to write about it. I'm hoping starting the blog regardless will jog my memory.

1. It was interesting to me, this morning, to realize how AWARE we are of our problems as a country. Not politically, but culturally. We know we eat too much fast food. We know we are hyper consumers. We know we use credit too much, hence debt is the norm rather than the exception. We know we tend to push cultural things like McDonald's and Wal-Mart on other nations' cultures. We know we spend more money on ourselves in one day than we probably do on the less fortunate the entire month. Yet we do it anyways.
People write about it all the time, and we complain about it all the time. No one likes being seen as a hyper-consumer. At least I don't. But we just kind of accept our identity as such and move on with life.
I don't have a realistic solution to this problem, but I thought it was interesting nonetheless.

2. Now, granted, I didn't read the assigned pages for today, but yesterday was a very busy day. Also I just don't like to read for homework. But part of the reading was about American culture---the effects of McDonalds, Credit Cards, etc...and how we effect other countries.
Anyways. Our teacher mentioned this thing called the "protestant work ethic." She explained that this "protestant work ethic" was the whole idea of working really hard to exhibit faith. Working super long hours for the glory of God. This is, supposedly, how the American workaholic lifestyle came to be. Only now, the faith has fallen by the way-side (what does that even mean?) and we're left with just the long hours.

Now, the protestant revolution, if my 9th grade world history serves me correctly was all about salvation by faith. A personal God. Martin Luther was all about relating to God on a personal level and not having to go through a priest to do so. But the point being, faith, not works, for salvation. Works couldn't and still can't earn salvation.
So why the protestant WORK ethic? Why were protestants associated with working super long hours for God's glory? It's just strange that it was protestant-related.
I don't know. I thought it was interesting/made no sense.

OH.
I think the thing she asked that i was forgetting was, why do we think the faith has gone/what happened to it?
That was something I wanted to really think about, but we moved on too quickly because class was over. Well, first of all, who is to say that any more people were working for the glory of God in the 50's than they are now? But assuming this theory of the protestant work ethic is true, I think people probably just got so focused on working, working, working, the drive to succeed, that they were then only concerned with the working itself and what it produced--money. Then money becomes the goal.

My teacher also said (not as her own personal opinion) that the protestant belief system allows for wealth. It's okay to be wealthy, as long as you don't make it your idol. She did say, however, that that actually may contradict many biblical principles--give to the poor, if you have something, give it away. But some believed/believe if you are wealthy, it is because God willed it so. So it's okay. Right? (No! I wanted to say. All the more reason to give it back to Him--it's not yours anyways.)

While this is good in theory, I think it's probably really hard to be wealthy and still worship God for all that He is & all that He provides. We can't grasp Him as much. I regret that fact as I and many others live very comfortably, we are blinded sometimes to how much we actually need Him. We do not have to put extreme faith in God in order to have peace that we will have another meal tomorrow. I don't know. I don't think everyone should give up everything and live on the streets. But I think it is very risky to live a wealthy lifestyle, simply because we are human. Money is tempting and we know that. We can't love both God & Money.

I need to live like I think.

This was a long stream of consciousness of ramblings remembering my sociology class today. I hope that at least some of it made sense. And I know that none of it was super novel concepts or anything, but it was just interesting that it came up in sociology.

0031.

2008-09-01T13:03:00.002-05:00

bleh. i'm not happy with the ending of the last thing I wrote.

it was getting too long and i decided to wrap it up.

but that's not how life happens. in reality, she probably would've tossed the card aside & kept looking through the desk. maybe something perky girl did would spark her interest. maybe something someone who is not a christian does might spark her interest.

but i just wanted to write a disclaimer of sorts and say that i'm not happy with the way i ended the last story, so please don't roll your eyes. :) i'll start writing more often, i think. that'll be a school-year-resolution.

for carlin & maybe the 1 or 2 other people that don't see me everyday, here are things that are going on in my life:

1. class started. it's been easy so far. lots of syllabuses. syllabi?
2. i'm applying to work with the student ministry at my church. i want to co-lead a small group, but i don't really know if that will be the case since i think they've already started for the year.
3. i discovered the amazingness of the Gabe Dixon Band yesterday.
4. i'm reading Psalms, and it's more intriguing than i thought it might be. i pretty much want to underline every 4th verse.
5. derek webb + shane claiborne speaking at lipscomb tomorrow night. yay!

umm...that's all, basically. life is pretty good. :)

0030.

2008-08-31T14:47:00.002-05:00

"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from You."
Psalm 16:1-2

I remember stumbling up the grey cement steps that day. I took them slowly, placing both feet on one before moving to the next. Someone, a big someone, brushed past me in a frenzy, knocking me down to my knees on account of my already unstable legs. The impact of some loose gravel stung in my right palm. I winced, and fought back unnecessary tears. I wanted to turn around and go home. No, I wanted to curl up in a ball and have no one notice me. Seeing as that was unlikely, I put my weight on my left hand and managed to stand, brushing off my dress. My worn book laid spread out on the step.
I sighed and bent to pick it up. My safe haven. I'd read it several times, but I brought it with me to hide my face behind during lunch.
I took a deep breath and braved the last two steps. I peered around my shoulder at the surrounding crowd of teenagers. None of them looked friendly. I stood out, obviously. None of them were wearing dresses. I knew that would happen. My russet skin and long, dark, silky hair gave me away. Wisconsin? Really?
When I found out I was going to get to go to the States for a semester, I was thinking New York. Los Angeles. Chicago. Somewhere exciting! Not a small town, filled with blue-eyed judgement.

Turning back around, I peered up at the purple lettering on the face of the building. Trinity Christian Academy. I let out breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Christian. These people were Christians. That wasn't something I was used to, but I'd always known He was real. Maybe it won't be so bad.

I shuffled into the building through double glass doors. Immediately my head started spinning. It was as if I had stepped into an arena filled with 20,000 people. The level of noise with the combined laughing, talking, yelling across the hall...it was almost deafening. I spun around 180 degrees. Then back again. Where was I going again? Biological...something...I needed to work on my English.

"Hi! Can I help you find something?"
I turned my head to the right to see a perky blonde, blue eyed girl donning a t-shirt detailing something resembling a Coca-Cola logo. I squinted and recognized the English "Christ" in there somewhere. I chuckled on the inside a little bit.
"Um..." I managed to mutter. Her enthusiasm was hard to ignore. I tried to translate in my head.
"I am...looking...for this?" I showed her my schedule, pointing at the first class. This language-barrier thing is no joke.

"Sure!" she exclaimed. "I'm going there too!"
Just as I was attempting to inwardly translate, she yanked my arm and I was moving along with the current of people in the hallway.
We got to Biological...something-or-other right as an obnoxious bell sounded across campus. The silence was now deafening. That would take some getting used to.
People stared at me. That was to be expected, I guess. Judging from my experience on the steps earlier. Their eyes were piercing, actually. I wondered what I did to deserve such treatment.
Even perky girl smiled and turned to her friend, brown-haired perky girl and whispered. I rolled my eyes. This is why I don't claim to be a "Christian." Who wants that kind of hypocrisy hanging over your head?

I didn't really understand anything the teacher said for the following 47 minutes, so I started rummaging through the desk I sat in. I found a chewed-on pencil. Some wadded up paper. 3 coins--who knows what they were worth. Exchange rate and all. But something caught my eye.
It was a small, and purple. A business card, or something. I slid it out from under a couple wads of paper and tried to read it. "Preserve." Okay. Preserve. The first word is preserve. What did that mean again? Ugh.
Then, underneath, I noticed a translation. Spanish! Yes!
"Preserve me, O God, for in You I take refuge. I say to the Lord, You are my God. I have no good apart from you."

Whoa. Whoever left that there was seriously into the religion thing. Oh right--"Christian" school. Hm. But something about it made me think. Preserve me. PRESERVE me. Maybe it was more than the t-shirt wearing perk. I didn't need t-shirts or perk. The statement had such weight. NO good apart from God? Really? Huh. I think I'll look into this.

0029.

2008-06-02T14:48:00.002-05:00

A story.

Shouts of diluted "praise" filled the room while a man in a tailored suit shone his pearly whites at the crowd, spurring them on with "Amen! Yes! Amen!" He didn't hear that. As soon as he creaked open the door in the back of the daunting room, he was overwhelmed by the hundreds of desperate souls attempting to scrape up and store a little "joy" out of these 56 minutes to last them the rest of the week. His ears shut it all out. The silence in his head was almost deafening as he slowly walked down the aisle. No one broke from their yelps of "Amen" (to every empty promise the well-dressed smile turned out) to look at his clearly troubled face as he trudged by them. His heart gradually started to beat faster. The smiles on the faces of the middle-aged attendees seemed to mock his twenty-something soul. His trudge suddenly turned into a purposeful march of sorts. He was approaching the 4 steps leading up to the blue carpeted stage upon which the shiny man was proclaiming.
"You can do anything with this Book! God does not want you to suffer! Read this Book; you will succeed!"

His wobbling legs began ascending the steps. One. Two. Three. Four.

"You can live a successful li--" The shiny man stopped.

He looked at Shiny Man with a piercing stare. He turned to the crowd and cried out,
"THIS is not real!!
PAIN is real!!
My pain is real!
Where is God in PAIN?"

He collapsed to the blue carpet in sobs.
Shiny Man's polished face faded into a shade of red.
The yelps of "Amen!" were nowhere to be found.

0029.

2008-05-26T01:07:00.003-05:00

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read the player's blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you've posted your answer.

What were you doing 5 years ago?

1. about a school-year into my 3-year-long fixation on the same boy...& about to get my heart broken
2. rooting for Clay Aiken on American Idol
3. still on swim team
4. apparently winning the math award for my grade, says my journal
5. embarking on my quest to not conform. haha. also growing my bangs out.

What are 5 things on your to-do list today?

1. sleep in
2. clean my bathroom
3. do something fun
4. enjoy not working
5. watch jon & kate plus 8

What are 5 snacks you enjoy?

1.peanut butter ritz bits
2. fuji apples
3. mountain trail mix from walmart
4. chocolate
5. cheez its

What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?

1. keep enough to be financially independent
2. maybe visit europe
3. and then i'd have to just give the rest to like, sudan or the villages outside of Lima...it would make me feel sick if i knew i had that much money and they have nothing
4.
5.

What are 5 of your bad habits?

1. not putting clothes away for a couple days
2. forgetting
3. not seizing the day
4. procrastinating to the max
5. forgetting to read my bible and doing these lame surveys instead (that for some reason entertain me so much)

What are 5 jobs you have had?

1. Waiter at the country club
2. lifeguard at the country club
3. beaman slc on campus
4. camp glisson counselor
5. babysitting

What are 5 places you have lived?

1. Woodstock, NB, Canada
2. Lanett, AL
3. if camp counts, Dahlonega, GA
4. Nashville, TN
5. that's it.

What 5 people do you want to tag?

um, i can't think of anyone else who reads my blog.
carlin or noelle? if they read it?

0028.

2008-05-08T17:32:00.002-05:00

So, school is done. finally. yay.

I leave for Peru in TWO freaking days.

wow.

It hasn't quite hit me yet--i was in finals mode until Tuesday.

I'm kind of nervous. for various reasons.

But God is good & I have confidence that He is sovereign.
I will try to listen to Him while I'm there & do what He wants me to do.

Please pray for us! let GOD arise..

0027.

2008-05-01T15:47:00.002-05:00

yay i love surveys!! and procrastinating!

i am: not studying.
i think: life shouldn't be so complicated.
i know: my God saves the day. seriously.
i want: to figure out what i am supposed to do with my life.
i have: love.
i wish: school wasn't required in order to not work at mcdonald's.
i hate: that the world is so broken.
i miss: my CIT loves and my high school friends.
i fear: not doing anything significant with my life or making the wrong life decisions. also people that break into houses.
i feel: ready to be rid of Intellectual Properties.
i hear: Adam & Nicole talking, and wind.
i smell: nothing significant.
i crave: companionship.
i search: wikipedia when i don't know what something is.
i wonder: sometimes what would've been in different scenarios.
i regret: not being upfront with people when i should've.
i love: Christ.
i ache: sometimes to have that circle of best friends i grew up with again like in high school.
i care: too much sometimes.
i always: sleep on my back.
i am not: one to step on others to get where I want to be.
i believe: one thing is more important than anything else.
i dance: rarely.
i sing: loudly in the car.
i don't always: remember things.
i fight: rarely, but when i sincerely believe i am right.
i write: for myself.
i win: rarely.
i lose: often.
i never: go anywhere without something on my wrists.
i confuse: my left & right.
i listen: when someone needs to talk.
i can usually be found: drinking Diet Coke.
i am scared: of the real world.
i need: to study and pack.
i am happy about: moving!

0026.

2008-04-18T15:08:00.002-05:00

I will not be restrained by my so-called personality type.
I cannot use it as an excuse.
Let the Holy Spirit work through me. Then anything is possible.
For the Lord did NOT give us a spirit of timidity!

...Let GOD arise.

0025.

2008-03-21T23:14:00.003-05:00

Good [Heart-Breaking, Sweet, Powerful, World-Changing] Friday..

I'm not sure why they settled on the word "good" to put in front of "Friday." "Good" is so vague and overused now. It's nondescriptive to us. Something that continues to save our lives every day is more than just "good."
I'm sure there's some long historical description of how something-or-other got lost in translation...but "good" doesn't cover it.

It's so heavy to think about. I know that it wasn't this EXACT day all those years ago. But if you think about it as, wow... on this day, some 2000 years ago, my Savior, the King of the universe, was killed. By our sin and at the hands of men.

It's heartbreaking.

My church at home had a good friday service tonight. And while usually I don't get a lot out of my old church, this was actually pretty cool and emotive. They did the last 7 phrases/sentences Christ spoke, and between each one they sang a song. After each song/phrase, they extinguished one of 7 candles, until at the end it was completely dark and we sat in silence.

It was actually really good for me to experience. I haven't been focused on Easter at all until about Thursday night when I realized how close it was.

During the service, I thought about how even more devastating it would've been back then--with no knowledge of the glorious resurrection that is to come (or at least none that they remembered). For them, all hope was lost. Their King and Savior had been killed. Game Over.
So even when our hearts are heavy, as they should be, and we are sad that our King has been crucified, we know what is to come. We have experienced the magnificence of our King defeating death, that which no man has ever done or will ever do. We have joy and relief to mix in with our previous sorrow for how we have done this to Him through our sin.

I can't wait till tomorrow when Christ is RISEN!!!

Sin, Where are your shackles?
Death, Where is your sting?
Hell has been defeated!
The grave could not hold The KING!

0024.

2008-03-10T21:52:00.002-05:00

So, I did that personality test Jontay posted.

And I'm an ISFJ: Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging.

A lot of what it says is so true about me. A few things I don't comply with--but I mean, really. People are incredibly complex so there's no way it could describe everyone individually.

But it is kind of weird how accurate some of it is...
Here are some quotes from the websites about ISFJ's that fit me:

-The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider's concern), as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security.

***-They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

-Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose.

- unusual talent for executing routines

-Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them.

*(haha, craig)-if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment

-Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation)
(um--YES.)

man..

0023.

2008-02-27T14:07:00.003-06:00

This isn't about the show itself or how great it was, but.. it's something I wanted to put into words, so it'd be awesome if you read it. :-)

I wanted to write that I went to a Coheed & Cambria/Linkin Park show last night. And it was incredible. Mostly Coheed. But my point is this...Linkin Park did a few songs where it was just the two "famous" guys, one playing piano and the other singing. With just like, two spotlights. And as I watched them sing and play with all their hearts, I couldn't help but ache knowing how much they could love Jesus if they gave him a chance. And who knows, maybe they DO know Jesus. I am no judge. But just going with the odds, here.

But they sing with such passion about wanting someone to come home to. About wanting that comfort in their lives. About wanting war to stop and feeling pain and love for broken people...a lot of the songs I heard were about that. One of their songs even sings the simple chorus of: "Amen...Amen...Amen..." And is titled "hands held high." And as they held their hands high and the lead singer sang "Amen," with all his soul, I couldn't help but fight back tears because I know what he is searching for and I prayed with all my heart that he would find Him. With all that love, and with all that aching because of the brokenness of the world, i could just feel how great those people could be used for the Glory of God. And my heart broke a little that they probably don't know Him.

But maybe they do. And maybe that's why they sing with so much conviction. Who knows. But Looking at them and back at the crowd, I definitely had an overwhelming ache for the souls of everyone around me...

Video Below.

thank you for reading if you got this far... :)

0022.

2008-02-15T16:36:00.002-06:00

I miss playing guitar. I am going to do it more often. I wish I had more opportunity to.

Trying to figure out what to do with your life is a little stressful.

Good thing God knows how it will turn out. Because I don't.
Which actually brings up interesting thoughts of predestination & sovereignty that I haven't quite read or thought about long enough yet to give a proper analysis-blog on.

Anyways. My family is coming today and I'm happy about that.

I'm going to write a better blog soon. Really.

0021.

2008-01-29T12:29:00.000-06:00

what a depressing day.

it's cold and rainy.

and i got extremely frustrated in my audio class today.

i'm so not going to econ right now.

i am curled up in my princess blanket watching Family Matters, eating m&ms and drinking diet coke.

it makes me feel better about life.

0020.

2008-01-25T14:24:00.000-06:00

Reasons why we should not have had to go to school in the last week:

1. Alleged Gunmen on campus.

2. 14 Degree Weather.

3. Because I awoke one dark morning and glanced at my clock, only to see that it was not on. I looked at my cd player and various other things in my room which were not gleaming back at me either. So I flipped the switch on the surge protector, but it did nothing. I looked at my phone: 5:13 AM. The power is out! Maybe we won't have school! I went back to sleep, dreamed sweet dreams that included having a "Fun Day" instead of school (I don't know.). I awoke 2 hours later to the not-so-dulcet tones of my phone alarm only to find that my room was the only room without power. And then I had to go to school.
Seriously? That kind of disappointment should act as a get-out-of-school-free pass.

4. 11 Degree Weather.

5. Everyone ELSE got snow...that's just not fair. I'm all for the promotion of fairness. And also, the kind of disappointment we suffer day after day by the recurrent LACK of snow in teen-degree weather is JUST wrong.

6. Martin Luther King, Jr. deserves more than one day. He revolutionized society.

7. Heath Ledger died. He deserves respect. Really, he does. I mean, I still can't believe he just..doesn't exist anymore. Our student body is experiencing shock over this.

8.Because, really? Who wants to listen to Copyright Law at 8 o'clock in the morning anyways?

0019.

2008-01-25T13:57:00.000-06:00

So, I read a Live Journal entry from today 3 years ago. 2005.

Wow.

it's me ranting about how the Bible was not written by man and was written through man by God.

But it was not tactful at all.

Honestly? I used the word "dudes" to describe authors of the Old Testament.

Some of my reasoning I disagree with now, although I definitely still believe my overall stance.
I just thought it was interesting..

Also, while I'm feeling nostalgic, I'd like to quote something I wrote on my friend Sarah's wall in September of 2006. It made me laugh.

[The church] had like horns and this whole band playing music--and there were 4 trombone players (one of which was a girl and brought back painful jr. high memories) and I was seriously considering running up, snatching one of those trombones and blessing everyone with a rousing rendition of Larger Than Life, then during the awkward silence that would inevitably result from my outburst, i would place the trombone back in the lap of the owner, clear my throat, and run out the door.

I think I used to be wittier.
Maybe I'll try to write a story next.

oh yeah, go listen to Kate Voegele.

0018.

2008-01-04T16:09:00.000-06:00

Things to do more in 2k8:

1. Exercise.
2. Write.
3. Play Guitar.
4. Read.
5. Be Involved.

Things to do less in 2k8:

1. Watch Disney Channel. (Although, y'know,not too much. Come on. Hannah Montana is on.)

0017.

2007-12-31T00:06:00.000-06:00

"Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God."

Psalm 42:5-6

0016.

2007-12-23T12:47:00.000-06:00

I was flipping through channels & saw Dexter's Laboratory, and I used to love that show, so I watched it.

And after a minute, I was like, "wow, his voice is the same as chuckie from rugrats!"

I'm usually good at identifying actors & voices from other movies/tv shows.

So what did I do? IMDB.com of course!

And I was right. Same voice.

What can I say? It's a gift. :-)
Just thought I'd enlighten you.

0015.

2007-12-22T00:21:00.000-06:00

Things That Have Made Christmas Break Heart-Warming:

1. The Merry-Go-Round (It's in my town every year! and it's free.)
2. The Tacky Light Tour (I live in a small town.)
3. Judy (my best friend's mom) being obsessive about Christmas decorating and parties. And Crock Pots.
4. 6 Months. :-)
5. Finally beating Daisy & Peach (whores) in Mario Party..
6. Taboo & Scattergories
7. Basically just my home friends in general.
8. Puppy Surprise
9. A Christmas Story/The Grinch
10. Fantasy In Lights
11. Explaining to people, again, what "music business" means...

To Be Continued...

0014.

2007-12-10T00:35:00.001-06:00

I don't know what to do when friends are feeling depressed.

It's a legitimate condition that I don't understand. I can honestly say I have never been there. And sometimes I feel guilty for my life having been this "good."
But I understand that it is largely significant. I do. It's a horrible amount of pain to have to go through.

I want to do something, but I feel so helpless. And it seems to be a recurring theme this semester. Or maybe I was just blind to it in high school.

So I'm just left to pray for them. And try to love them the best that I can without being suffocating.

The thing I don't understand is..

Why are so many people struggling with depression in America? Isn't America supposed to be great? I mean, look at all the STUFF we have!

Why can we look at pictures and videos from mission trips filled with beaming smiles on the faces of children in Nairobi, in literally the biggest slum in the world of 1 million people, but here in the land of abundance people are screaming to the sky, overwhelmed by the emotional turmoil they are experiencing?

Not to diminish the pain of these people. It's very real, and I can understand that.

But, still, these are things I think about.

0013.

2007-12-07T11:28:00.000-06:00

Here it comes: a beautiful collision...

Here it comes..

Here it comes now..

His light caught her eye.
Where has it been? Walking along, focused on only her own feet. Only the ground in front of her.

LOOK UP!

She woke up from her daze. Wh--How did I get here? How have I been missing You?
Her head had slowly begun to bow, centralizing her view on the dirt. No, it wasn't dirt. It was a lush garden. It was comforting and full of joy! She loved it!

The source of this garden-the light. It was above and ahead.
She raised her head and soaked in the light. She sighed. She felt small and somewhat foolish. But she felt loved and determined.

Here it comes...

0012.

2007-11-23T22:08:00.000-06:00

I'm breaking my rule again and writing about myself.

Rules are meant to be broken, right?

..or something.

Jontay wrote about 10 things he enjoys. And since I'm a sucker for e-mail surveys and lists, I thought I'd contribute.

1. Feeling like I actually learned something.
--Especially in church.

2. Sleeping in & knowing I have nothing I should be doing instead.
--I don't care what anyone says, sleeping until at least noon is an amazing feeling.

3. Chocolate.
--in any shape or form.

4. Creative Writing.
-- even though I never really have the opportunity to for classes. Sometimes I think I do a good job.

5. Singing.
--I go to Belmont and I'm not a music major. I don't get to very much.

6. T-Shirts
--I think people at Belmont should be a little lazier with their wardrobe. Come on, every other college is doing it..

7. Demetri Martin's Jokes
--he's just plain funny.

8. Piano driven pop-rock.
--who doesn't?

9. Camp Glisson.
--'nough said.

10. Being a lame college kid.
--board games, disney movies...you name it. :-)

sorry. I'm doing a couple more..

11. Hanging out with my home friends.
--I miss them. and it's always like we were never gone.

12. Movies and TV shows intended for 10 year olds.

0011.

2007-11-20T21:34:00.000-06:00

So, I usually write things that have nothing to do with my life. But I would just like everyone to know that it took me 3 extra hours to get home today because my car died in the middle of a highway.

People honked.
People were mad.
And an army soldier with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth on a motorcycle blaring "Drift Away" helped me to a parking lot.

I then sat there for about 30 minutes waiting for a tow truck that was supposed to ride me for TWO hours all the way back to LaGrange, GA to a dealership.
With a man I don't know.

I was paranoid. I'm a 19 year old girl. Doesn't that SCREAM horror movie/rape victim to you???
It turned out okay. My mom spoke to like 92048 people to get everything straight and made sure he was legit. And he was.

But still. I mean--I was by myself. What thoughts would've run through YOUR head?

But luckily I had a comforter. :-)

It turned out okay. It was a long awkward car ride. And luckily people kept calling me. It took forever. I just sat there and ate my ritz bits and drank my diet coke...

my life..

i SWEAR.

Jesus is amazing. praise the LORD.

0010.

2007-11-11T19:56:00.000-06:00

Tap.
Tap.
Tap.
Tap.

Does she HAVE to do that so loudly?
I sat there waiting in the lobby for 53 minutes as the receptionist tapped her bright red glossy fingernails on her desk.
She clearly needed some sort of task to occupy her time. I thought about giving her one. Maybe she should rearrange the magazines. Or go get me Starbucks. I could use Starbucks right now. Why isn't she getting me Starbucks?
Now she's doubly annoying me. She's tapping, AND the cause of my lack of coffee. Seriously, why is she getting paid?

I looked around so that I could defer my attention from the annoying receptionist.
Nothing else was too exciting. A kid poking his sister incessantly while she practices some SERIOUS patience by not responding. She must have experience in this area. It must be a common occurance. Maybe I could learn from her. Maybe I would not be so annoyed right now by Receptionist Lady. What other admirable character traits have I missed out on aquiring from being an only child? Thanks, Mom.

Y'know, for someone who is about to get a new car, I'm quite cynical.
Maybe I'll blame that on my mom too. Maybe not. That's probably not fair. She tried. How could she know that Receptionist Lady would be so useless? She couldn't have prepared me for that. Although maybe if I'd had a sibling I'd know how to better control my annoyance, and as we've established, that actually IS her fault.

I won this contest at the mall. I'm getting a brand new cherry-red Honda Civic. I'm really not a fan of red. (Receptionist Lady apparently is...) But really, beggars can't be choosers, right? I'm getting a new car. That's good. That is very good. My old car is sitting outside of the dealership begging to be retired. I think it is harboring ill-feelings ever since I won the contest. It's more defiant than usual. I try not to talk about it much.

56 minutes. Really? I mean, I know I should be willing to wait another hour to receive the car. I did much worse to actually win it. I wouldn't eat three jars of Jelly Bellies and suffer the consequences for much less than a Civic.

She got up! Receptionist Lady. She left! Where is she? She is supposed to be ready to call my name at any given moment. That is her job. Her job is to call names. How can she call names if she is not where the list of names is?

Oh, she's back.
"Mrs. Smith?"
Good.
Okay. I wonder what she was doing.

NO.
She has a Starbucks cup.
Ridiculous.

009.

2007-11-11T19:31:00.000-06:00

Things that shouldn't exist:

+the music of britney spears
+ugg boots
+tila tequila
+mosquitoes
+nickelback
+bibliographies
+math
+accounting
+traffic
+8am classes
+redneck practices
+the phrase, "i know, right?"
+obnoxious jr. high girls (I have to come to terms with that eventually.)
+unidentifyable Glisson bugs
+shoes that hurt
+other things.

Things that should be rendered obsolete:
+actual maps
+speech classes
+gas
+Windows. [Not glass. I like those. The OS.]

Things that should NOT be rendered obsolete:
+CD's
+Animated/Musical Disney Movies
+hand written letters
+talented singers
+fictional television
+board games

008.

2007-10-31T12:44:00.000-05:00

There is so much brokenness!!

007.

2007-10-22T12:31:00.001-05:00

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God'?
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the CREATOR of the ENDS of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has NO might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall EXHAUSTED;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faint." Is. 40 27-31

You are alone, and you are helpless. No one can aid you. He isn't listening. The world is falling apart, and consequently, or perhaps coincidentally, so are you. You can't see the light. What if there is no light? This thought frightens you. There has to be a light. Otherwise, what is dark?
You are broken. You are fallen. No one understands. WHY does no one understand?

You want to help. You don't understand. WHY can't you understand? There is a light! You know it! But how do you know it? Have you ever seen true darkness? What is light if there is no darkness? What is real if there is no struggle?
You feel guilty. You know no such pain as they do. So, you sit. You sit and you pray. He isn't listening. No--He has to be listening, right?

"O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear? Or cry to you, 'Violence!' but you will not save? Why do you make me see iniquity, and why do you idly look at wrong?" Hab. 1:2-3a

You aren't sure how much prayer is necessary until someone will finally be on the road to recovery. The list of people this applies to grows longer every day. You are just one person. Every night: "Lord, help them!"
You have to believe it makes a difference. It has to. If there is no understanding, what else can be done? You pray to the one whose understanding no one can fathom.

"If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." Hab. 2:3b

So you are both alone in your endeavors. Alone fighting, and alone trying to intercede.

"fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

006.

2007-10-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was ordinary. College student. Knew nothing. Just trying to figure out what to do with her life and have fun doing it.

One sunny day she was minding her own business sitting under a tree and a shadow was suddently cast over her. An elephant had come out of nowhere and stared at her for a second. After a moment of awkward eye contact, she looked back at her book. It sat on her and said, "Hello, my name is Speech 1100, and you suck at life."

the end.

005.

2007-09-28T14:27:00.000-05:00

"Don't give up. It's just the weight of the world. When your heart's heavy, I will lift it for you.
Don't give up because you want to be heard. If silence keeps you, I will break it for you.
Everybody wants to be understood. Well, I can hear you."

The ground started to rumble. I felt it, but I knew not from where it came. I gazed into the distance. I pivoted my feet and surveyed my surroundings. I saw distant figures, but I was soon distracted as the rumbing started to fade and became more and more distant. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Lord." I whispered. Not that I had asked to begin with.

I turned my attention back to the figures. They seemed closer now. And I recognized them as people. They seemed oddly familiar, as if I were in the company of friends. As I studied their movements and tried to distinguish their features, it became obvious that these people were in great distress. Some of them on their knees. Some of them clinging for dear life. Some of them shaking fists at the sky. Some simply collapsed in sobs.

I kept pivoting and looking around in every direction, seeing more and more hurting people. They were aching. My heart grew heavier by the minute. The beautiful solid ground on which I stood became more and more appaling to me. Those people are crying in the dry, cracked desert, yet here I stand on my lush patch of land, worrying about the ramifications of a small rumbling, over in an instant. These people seemed to be in a never-ending state of loneliness and confusion. They are victims of unfortunate circumstance. They are simply in need of answers. They are mourning over lost souls close to them. And yet, here I stand. I am disgusted with my world. My heart sunk even further. I need to assist. I need to love them. How can I possibly understand their circumstances? How can I possibly be of any comfort when their world is crumbling beneath them?

And their world WAS crumbling beneath them. The rumbling? It shook the ground on which they stood, kneeled, and collapsed. The cracks in the ground grew bigger. They debated on whether or not just to jump in.

I looked closer. More and more familiar figures started to appear. Their faces started to form from the blurred images. I...know her. I--I know HIM! I know all four of THEM! What is happening? Why is no one okay anymore? Was anyone okay to begin with? Or am I just naive enough to think they were?
Everyone is breaking...aching...

And I collapsed on my patch of lush, green grass, and tears started to flow.
Jesus, help them. I don't know how. With all of my heart, I wish i did.

004.

2007-09-18T19:21:00.000-05:00

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him."- Romans eight: twenty-eight.

Once upon a time there was a man who worked very hard. He toiled and toiled from dawn until dusk on his wooden sculptures. His hands were worn with a combination of age & honest work. Often he lay awake at night, wondering what good any of it was doing.
He made an honest living. He fed himself and his wife. They were never without a roof over their heads or clothes on their back.
He never meant to be a wood carver. He wanted to be a pediatrician. He loved kids, and, never being able to have any of his own, it seemed like the perfect solution. He thought about going to school, taking all the right classes. He would be making a difference in people's lives.
No, I can't do that, he told himself.
So he stuck to what he was good at. Wood carving. It's in my blood, he thought. His father created masterpieces out of blocks of maple.
For years he wondered if he'd made the right decision. What am I doing with my life? he often wondered.
He did enjoy wood carving. He'd just always wanted to be known for helping people out--making a difference.
What good did sculptures do anyone? They just sit there.
He stood outside in his backyard staring up at the sky. Pacing back and forth, he debated loudly, "Should I go to school? Should I blindly continue on with my comfortable job? What if it all goes downhill? How do i KNOW what i'm supposed to do?!" His shouting echoed as he cried out at the stars.

Something caused him to fall to his knees.
A small tear formed in his right eye, making its way down his cheek. He hadn't cried in years.
He looked back into his humble home, through the window, at his wife sitting by the fire. He half-smiled and thanked God for her.
Suddenly he realized there's a bigger picture than what he does for a living.
He took a deep breath. "I'm supposed to love." He whispered, closing his eyes. "All I have to do is love."

003.

2007-09-13T23:39:00.000-05:00

[metaphor?]

The gravel crunched under her feet as she ran. Little sweat droplets were starting to form on her forehead that she tried to wipe away with one hand, while the other held the layers of her dress. Her heart felt as though it would beat right out of her chest. Her legs were tiring by the second and seemed to scream at her, "STOP RUNNING." But she couldn't.

Her eyes kept creeping farther and farther to her left, straining to see if it was still behind her, but she could not allow them to look." I just, I have to keep going," she thought. "If i keep going, it will never catch up with me. I will never have to deal with it."

She was growing more & more fatigued every second. Her lungs were starting to heave as she attempted to gulp air. "Ugh! I have to keep going!" she shouted out loud. She felt her right leg buckle from underneath her as she stepped on a loose rock about the size of a golf ball. She came crashing to her knees in tears of frustration.

She panted rapidly, trying to catch her breath. Her throat felt as though she had tried to swallow sand.
She slowly craned her neck around to her left. As her eyes began to focus, she could see the boulder in the distance, barreling towards her.
No..no!
She scrambled to get up but her legs were just too weak.
I--I can't--I...
and her hands slipped from under her once again as she fell face-first into the gravel and burst into tears.

She lifted her eyes and saw what appeared to be a figure coming her way. Wiping the tears from her eyes in a panic, she squinted to see what it was. With a quick glance behind her, her heart beat even faster and she turned to look at the man that seemed to be walking briskly towards her, as if he had some purpose in mind.
He walked with confidence, but looked gentle and kind.
As he approached her, he gave her a reassuring half-smile as he looked down at her.
"Doesn't he see it? It's coming right towards us!" she thought.
"S--Sir! There's---" she gasped for air. "it's--coming!"

The man didn't look surprised or worried. He just smiled and gave her a reassuring nod. He placed his hand on her head as he passed her, stopping right where her feet had ended up. A peace came over her.
He stood between her and the boulder. The boulder slowed and curved off the pathway, slowing still as it rolled onto the grass and finally halted.
"You..stopped it. Who--who ARE you?" she asked, full of wonder and an indescribable gratitute.
He smiled, picked her up off the ground, and hugged her.
She knew.
It was He who saves.

002.

2007-09-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."- 2 Corinthians 3:17.

It seemed as though her heart was going to burst. She felt freed by those words. She fell to her knees and tears started to pour down her face. She'd tried to keep it together, but the idea of this incomprehensible love melted away her inhibitions. Two planks of wood lain across one another and planted in the ground before her. How could they have any meaning? I mean, it was quite possible that two guys, having just learned how to use a powersaw and a hammer, constructed this pillar of truth, not capturing a minute passing notion of just what these beams symbolized. They might've just wanted a summer job so they could buy an X-box. Or something slightly more illegal.
As she thought about that, she weeped even harder. The magnitude of this instance in time could not possibly be comprehended by man intrigued by it, let alone one who doesn't care at all. Or hear of it at all. But that love was for them! How could they possibly know?
The tears in her eyes created an underwater view as she lifted her head and looked around her. Some of her classmates darted eyes in the face of an awkward situation to which they did not know how to react. They were studying this cathedral for history, not this "Jesus" crap. Others stared at her with a sense of hate. or confusion. One guy. One. She caught his eyes. She saw the pain in them. He wanted to join her, but he was afraid of the silence. Afraid of the stares she was now receiving. Who would wish that upon themselves? Why would you risk that? Hold it in. Hold it all in. Don't let them see you feel. This is NOT a world of humility. No one weeps! You keep it together. With all you have, you keep it together.
She took in a deep breath and looked back at the cross before her. Half-sobbing, she attempted to stand. Her legs felt as though she had just learned to walk. She turned around slowly. Her heart was beating faster than she'd ever felt it. Nothing was this real.
She took a few steps towards him. He shifted glances and sniffed to keep it together.
She said nothing. She simply wrapped her arms around him and whispered: "Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
Nothing had ever resounded in his mind or his heart so clearly. He froze. People were staring. At HIM.
I don't care. NO! I DON'T care anymore! His mind yelled inside his head. And he wrapped his arms around her.
"I just needed to know I wasn't alone in this." He whispered back.

001.

2007-09-09T17:06:00.000-05:00

"Romance can't possibly carry all that we want it to." -Donald Miller.

I like to write, so here is where I'll do it.
I've already written this one a while ago, but I thought I'd start with it anyways.

She walked into the room. A chill ran down her spine, and butterflies stirred in her stomach. There he was, staring at her. She looked back over her shoulder self-conciously, trying to decide whether it would be permissible for her to make a quick exit. She could not shake him now, he'd seen her. The sound of her Steve Madden shoes on the hardwood floor broke the silence. He smiled. Why had he smiled? She looked down, examining her crimson dress as she walked. It couldn't have been the dress. He stood to greet her. She stopped walking and looked to her right, avoiding eye contact. An 18th century portrait of a soldier hung on the wall beside the bookcase. "Hello," he said, kissing her on the cheek. Her concentration was broken. She managed half of a smile, then nervously eased away and sat on the worn velvet love seat. He offered her tea; she politely declined. She was good at that--being polite even in the worst of circumstances. She cleared her throat.
"I-It's a nice day...today," she managed to mutter.
"Yes, it is," he replied, eyeing her with every word. She shifted in her seat. The ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner grew increasingly louder. "You know, we must confront this eventually," he said to her. She turned her head. "I-I know," she replied.
"So what shall I do? I am in such a predicament. Tell your husband? I could. But what would I get out of that?"
He looked towards the ceiling and took a puff on his pipe. She glared.
"What do you want?" she insisted.
"Oh, I don't know. I shall have to think about that one. This is a mighty large piece of gossip I hold in my hand, don't you think? It should be worth plenty. What shall I ask for, hm?" he taunted.
She kept in her thoughts. She couldn't afford to speak up. All she could do was glare at him.
"Let's see," he continued. "Oh I know exactly what you could do for me in exchange for withholding this information. You do not want him to know about William, hm? How about you have William and your husband agree to sell the company to me? It's rather brilliant, I think."
"Sell the company? Those are two hard-working gentlemen you are refering to, and I won't have you steal everything they've worked for!" she couldn't hold it in.
"That sounded like an argument, to me. You know I do work only rooms away from your 'friend' William, as well as your husband. 'Twould be a shame to come between such a strong partnership."
She crossed her arms and looked away. A tear rolled down her cheek as she stared out the window of the study.
"That's what I thought," he said, smiling to himself. He rose and began walking to the door, not looking back at her.
"Ah, William, how do you do?" he said as he brushed past William and continued through the doorway.
She hurriedly wiped the tears from her cheeks and put on a half-hearted smile to greet him.